Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
More yahoo IM bitchin
So seriously, I've got this guy trying to talk to me, telling me about how he thinks I've told him that I've had affairs (in the course of the relationship I have with my boyfriend).
This idiot and I have spoken maybe 4 times?
Does he think he is funny or something?
What the hell is wrong with him?
And when I inform him that he is annoying me, and that he obviously has me confused with some slut he talks to, and he really should keep that straight for fear of insulting me (which he has now done), he tells me I've avoiding the subject.
WHAT A TOTAL DUMBASS!!!
I ask him if he is high.
He doesn't answer that one, I notice.
So finally I tell him that insinuating I'm a whore has infuriated me, not amused me, and insulting my integrity was a bad plan, sorry.
He's iggied.
I try to be nice, you know? But some people really are just stupid assholes, I guess.
So seriously, I've got this guy trying to talk to me, telling me about how he thinks I've told him that I've had affairs (in the course of the relationship I have with my boyfriend).
This idiot and I have spoken maybe 4 times?
Does he think he is funny or something?
What the hell is wrong with him?
And when I inform him that he is annoying me, and that he obviously has me confused with some slut he talks to, and he really should keep that straight for fear of insulting me (which he has now done), he tells me I've avoiding the subject.
WHAT A TOTAL DUMBASS!!!
I ask him if he is high.
He doesn't answer that one, I notice.
So finally I tell him that insinuating I'm a whore has infuriated me, not amused me, and insulting my integrity was a bad plan, sorry.
He's iggied.
I try to be nice, you know? But some people really are just stupid assholes, I guess.
Yahoo IM
You know, I hate to be shitty about it, but it seems every time I get some random IM from someone I don't know they always turn out to be a freakin psycho (no, Adrian I'm not talking about you!!!!).
It's gotten to the point that I'm tempted to just be a bitch to every random nut that tries to say Hi.
And it's always guys.
Bunch of freaks.
It's gotten to the point that I'm tempted to just be a bitch to every random nut that tries to say Hi.
And it's always guys.
Bunch of freaks.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
pressure
Sometimes people just annoy the shit outta me.
I know it's stress. It just....amazes me how I can find the smallest thing SO FREAKIN ANNOYING.
This past week has been insanely stressful to me, for reasons I can not go into as I am the boss now and it wouldn't be prudent (to quote the church lady).
Things that have annoyed the shit outta me this week:
~the cashier girl at the grocery store with rollers in her hair. ROLLERS.
~the girl at the bar last night dancing around like she was all that, but her gut was hanging over the top of her skanky tight pants- then my friend pointed out you could see the top of her granny panties hanging a good two inches ABOVE the waistband of her jeans, and I nearly lost it in laughter. But I was laughing AT her, not with her.
~some girl calling the house asking for my boyfriend- when I asked her if he had her number she LAUGHED and said, "Yah!" as if what I was asking was just stupid. Pissed me the fuck off. I star 69'ed her, you bet your sweet ass. Then reverse traced her. So I had her address. Just in case I needed to go to her house and introduce her face to the pavement.
Turns out she's just a flake and it's no big deal.
What? You say I'm psychoticly over reacting?
My point exactly.
Seriously, I could list things that have pissed me off all day long. These are inconsequential things, people. The internal pressure is enough to burst and I'm just looking for an excuse to blow, it seems.
This will not do.
This must change.
I know it's stress. It just....amazes me how I can find the smallest thing SO FREAKIN ANNOYING.
This past week has been insanely stressful to me, for reasons I can not go into as I am the boss now and it wouldn't be prudent (to quote the church lady).
Things that have annoyed the shit outta me this week:
~the cashier girl at the grocery store with rollers in her hair. ROLLERS.
~the girl at the bar last night dancing around like she was all that, but her gut was hanging over the top of her skanky tight pants- then my friend pointed out you could see the top of her granny panties hanging a good two inches ABOVE the waistband of her jeans, and I nearly lost it in laughter. But I was laughing AT her, not with her.
~some girl calling the house asking for my boyfriend- when I asked her if he had her number she LAUGHED and said, "Yah!" as if what I was asking was just stupid. Pissed me the fuck off. I star 69'ed her, you bet your sweet ass. Then reverse traced her. So I had her address. Just in case I needed to go to her house and introduce her face to the pavement.
Turns out she's just a flake and it's no big deal.
What? You say I'm psychoticly over reacting?
My point exactly.
Seriously, I could list things that have pissed me off all day long. These are inconsequential things, people. The internal pressure is enough to burst and I'm just looking for an excuse to blow, it seems.
This will not do.
This must change.
Saturday, December 27, 2003
welcome to my nightmare
Christmas Eve Day:
My boyfriends dad, etc come over for a nice Christmas Eve lunch. Everythings going along just fine until my boyfriend decides to show his dad all the wacky pictures he's made using Paintshop. His dad accidently clicks on a video of me, happily coming out of the shower, dancing down the hallway wearing only a towel on my head.
I hear them all laughing hysterically from the other room but I am busy cooking so I don't discover what is so funny until they all come back into the kitchen. The Boyfriend tells me what happened, and in his defense he covered up the screen once he realized what he was looking at. Not in time before all of them realized what THEY were also looking at.
I couldn't decide rather to puke or cry.
So instead I just say, "Ok, dinners ready!" and sit down to eat.
Needless to say, I didn't eat much.
How mortifying.
My boyfriends dad, etc come over for a nice Christmas Eve lunch. Everythings going along just fine until my boyfriend decides to show his dad all the wacky pictures he's made using Paintshop. His dad accidently clicks on a video of me, happily coming out of the shower, dancing down the hallway wearing only a towel on my head.
I hear them all laughing hysterically from the other room but I am busy cooking so I don't discover what is so funny until they all come back into the kitchen. The Boyfriend tells me what happened, and in his defense he covered up the screen once he realized what he was looking at. Not in time before all of them realized what THEY were also looking at.
I couldn't decide rather to puke or cry.
So instead I just say, "Ok, dinners ready!" and sit down to eat.
Needless to say, I didn't eat much.
How mortifying.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Saturday, December 20, 2003
more introspection
Thinking about how I'm sick. And my Type A personality. Thinking about how even though I'm sick, I cannot be content just sitting around. I've cleaned and cooked and done paperwork for work (duh).
I've been working my ass off. I've been tired and exhausted and finally got sick. Do I need any more reason to be nice to me? I've been trying to take good care of me, but have fallen short. I push myself way to hard sometimes.
I've realized lately that since I'm in the process of taking over the company I work for, it has taken all precedence. Not over my child or anything. But I mean, usually I will take time out of my day to chill because it's freakin necessary for a person like me. I've learned to stop and read the paper or talk to people because it keeps me sane. Otherwise I will actually work too hard. Stop laughing- its true. I function really well under pressure. Just not for extended periods of time.
Let me explain: at my work, I have a certain amount of work I must accomplish each week, regardless of anything at all. It must be done. On holiday weeks, I still must accomplish the usual weeks worth of work, but next week I have two days to do five days of work. That's right. It cannot be put off. It cannot be taken home to do later. It must be done then. And you bet your sweet ass, I will do it. I've done it many times and will do it again.
It's just that I may collapse at the end.
Or get sick.
The holidays are crazy for our company. What is usually a relaxed job turns into chaos. I've come up with a phrase (I'm coining it people, know that now) to describe it: schedule contortionist. Yep. I'm a schedule contortionist this time of year. Don't stop to eat or breath, just RUN. And do a good job while you're at it.
It's oddly thrilling.
It excites me.
Because I CAN do it. I get off on it.
But I digress.
My point is that I forget to stop! I get in this MUST ACCOMPLISH MUST ACCOMPLISH mode and forget to relax.
It may very well be why I've been so needy with my boyfriend. I'm stuck on workaholic and haven't taken care of myself. So instead I mistakenly want someone else to do it for me. I may be projecting my own needs onto him to fufill them and resent him when he doesn't.
Now, this does not in any way excuse him from coming home drunk while I'm sick. He's still in the asswipe-doghouse for that one.
But it may explain why there is this tangible tension between us. Why I keep telling him I'm tired of being a bitch. Why he keeps feeling smothered.
Now I need to ponder what I need to do to take better care of me. Hmmm.
I've been working my ass off. I've been tired and exhausted and finally got sick. Do I need any more reason to be nice to me? I've been trying to take good care of me, but have fallen short. I push myself way to hard sometimes.
I've realized lately that since I'm in the process of taking over the company I work for, it has taken all precedence. Not over my child or anything. But I mean, usually I will take time out of my day to chill because it's freakin necessary for a person like me. I've learned to stop and read the paper or talk to people because it keeps me sane. Otherwise I will actually work too hard. Stop laughing- its true. I function really well under pressure. Just not for extended periods of time.
Let me explain: at my work, I have a certain amount of work I must accomplish each week, regardless of anything at all. It must be done. On holiday weeks, I still must accomplish the usual weeks worth of work, but next week I have two days to do five days of work. That's right. It cannot be put off. It cannot be taken home to do later. It must be done then. And you bet your sweet ass, I will do it. I've done it many times and will do it again.
It's just that I may collapse at the end.
Or get sick.
The holidays are crazy for our company. What is usually a relaxed job turns into chaos. I've come up with a phrase (I'm coining it people, know that now) to describe it: schedule contortionist. Yep. I'm a schedule contortionist this time of year. Don't stop to eat or breath, just RUN. And do a good job while you're at it.
It's oddly thrilling.
It excites me.
Because I CAN do it. I get off on it.
But I digress.
My point is that I forget to stop! I get in this MUST ACCOMPLISH MUST ACCOMPLISH mode and forget to relax.
It may very well be why I've been so needy with my boyfriend. I'm stuck on workaholic and haven't taken care of myself. So instead I mistakenly want someone else to do it for me. I may be projecting my own needs onto him to fufill them and resent him when he doesn't.
Now, this does not in any way excuse him from coming home drunk while I'm sick. He's still in the asswipe-doghouse for that one.
But it may explain why there is this tangible tension between us. Why I keep telling him I'm tired of being a bitch. Why he keeps feeling smothered.
Now I need to ponder what I need to do to take better care of me. Hmmm.
naptime
There's something odd about being sick- it seems to somehow make gravity stronger. I was standing in my kitchen heating up (MORE) chicken noodle soup and suddenly felt heavy, and suddenly realized the kitchen floor looked really, really comfortable. Downright cuddly. But if I laid down I couldn't reach my soup, so I refrained.
Napping is imminent.
Napping is imminent.
My dad always told me I would never find a good man to marry unless I knew how to make a damn good chicken noodle soup. I've been cooking some all day (you gotta get it to where the meat just falls off the bone) and people I have got to say,
DAMN I'M GOOD.
I don't know where this good man is, but I've been trying to get my boyfriend to eat it in case it makes him magically turn into a prince.
So far, no go.
I'll keep ya posted.
Until then I'll eat and eat and eat this soup I made.
Seriously, it's so good.
I'm so proud of me.
DAMN I'M GOOD.
I don't know where this good man is, but I've been trying to get my boyfriend to eat it in case it makes him magically turn into a prince.
So far, no go.
I'll keep ya posted.
Until then I'll eat and eat and eat this soup I made.
Seriously, it's so good.
I'm so proud of me.
Friday, December 19, 2003
I have a new pet peeve:
Any forwarded crap that tells me I MUST forward it to everyone I know, or 5 great women, or everyone on my mailing list or whatever. It sounds so fucking asinine.
"You have received this good luck (bullshit)! You must forward this to 12 people within the next 6 minutes or something terrible will happen to you!"
I honestly wish the people who make this shit up have debilitating constipation. And the people who perpetuate it by forwarding it? Diarrhea.
Any forwarded crap that tells me I MUST forward it to everyone I know, or 5 great women, or everyone on my mailing list or whatever. It sounds so fucking asinine.
"You have received this good luck (bullshit)! You must forward this to 12 people within the next 6 minutes or something terrible will happen to you!"
I honestly wish the people who make this shit up have debilitating constipation. And the people who perpetuate it by forwarding it? Diarrhea.
More indeed.
today I am sick. Today it is snowing. Today I drive my boyfriend into work so he doesn't have to drive on ice.
He is supposed to call me to tell me if he needs a ride home.
He never calls.
He goes to the bar.
He comes home trashed.
When he was sick, I took care of him. I went to the store and got stuff he needed, I stayed up all night to take care of him, I called the ambulance at 4 am when he was freaking out. When I'm sick, he goes out and gets drunk, doesn't call me to see how I'm doing, doesn't give a flying fuck.
And yet doesn't understand when I say actions speak louder than words.
Oh yah, I think he loves me.
In his own deficient way.
I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Some day he might be worth all this trouble.
But what if he never is?
today I am sick. Today it is snowing. Today I drive my boyfriend into work so he doesn't have to drive on ice.
He is supposed to call me to tell me if he needs a ride home.
He never calls.
He goes to the bar.
He comes home trashed.
When he was sick, I took care of him. I went to the store and got stuff he needed, I stayed up all night to take care of him, I called the ambulance at 4 am when he was freaking out. When I'm sick, he goes out and gets drunk, doesn't call me to see how I'm doing, doesn't give a flying fuck.
And yet doesn't understand when I say actions speak louder than words.
Oh yah, I think he loves me.
In his own deficient way.
I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Some day he might be worth all this trouble.
But what if he never is?
Thursday, December 18, 2003
Yesterday I burst into tears.
My computer was making me mad. Oh, I know, blame the poor inanimate object! But in all seriousness, my stress level has risen and finally burst. We're not talking a full nervous breakdown but a mini one, perhaps. Yah gotta vent that shit or the pressure cooks yer brains into worthless paranoid mush.
At any rate, I've been very aware of how clingy and needy I've become with my boyfriend. It's driving him nuts. It's driving me nuts. I embarrass myself.
He has pointed out to me that nothing has changed, except me. In my eyes, he has become distant, unreachable, unattainable, and I'm really lonely.
He thinks I've suddenly lost my mind.
And after him repeatedly explaining to me that he isn't farther away, I'm just clingy, it suddenly occurred to me:
I'm exhausted.
(shaking head)
I get in these phases where I must accomplish things. They are not frivolous things, mind you. They need to be done. And sometimes I feel whiny and overwhelmed. So I have this little talk with myself where I tell myself to shut up and quit being such a whiny little bitch, there are things that must be done and get to it!
And it works, I do. I accomplish. I move mountains.
But I can only do it for so long, people.
I forget this.
So it hits me like a ton of bricks last night: I'm tired of being a grown up. I'm tired of the process of learning how to run a business while working full time anyway, while being a mother while having no social life. It wasn't so bad when my boyfriend was being a hermit. I had company. But in the process of his own growth, he's decided he needs to have a life. I agree. But dear God, I never thought it would be so difficult to not RESENT HIM for it. He goes out and has a great time and I am sitting at home seething, I WANT ATTENTION I WANT TO HAVE FUN TOO.
Who am I?
Well, that's another question. Right now I'm introspecting to see what the hell is going on in here.
I want somebody to take care of me.
I'm so tired.
I am so very tired.
But....I wouldn't trade the responsibility.
I love it.
I just want a break, a vacation maybe? But mostly some support when I come home from a long day of work. I've never been the boss before. It occurs to me I can not bitch to anyone about work matters anymore. What I know now is personal company business. If I like my job, I'd best keep my mouth shut.
So, I have a bad day and my boyfriend is out....and I sit here and wait, I want to decompress, I want someone to make ME feel better.
Hence the whining.
More later.
My computer was making me mad. Oh, I know, blame the poor inanimate object! But in all seriousness, my stress level has risen and finally burst. We're not talking a full nervous breakdown but a mini one, perhaps. Yah gotta vent that shit or the pressure cooks yer brains into worthless paranoid mush.
At any rate, I've been very aware of how clingy and needy I've become with my boyfriend. It's driving him nuts. It's driving me nuts. I embarrass myself.
He has pointed out to me that nothing has changed, except me. In my eyes, he has become distant, unreachable, unattainable, and I'm really lonely.
He thinks I've suddenly lost my mind.
And after him repeatedly explaining to me that he isn't farther away, I'm just clingy, it suddenly occurred to me:
I'm exhausted.
(shaking head)
I get in these phases where I must accomplish things. They are not frivolous things, mind you. They need to be done. And sometimes I feel whiny and overwhelmed. So I have this little talk with myself where I tell myself to shut up and quit being such a whiny little bitch, there are things that must be done and get to it!
And it works, I do. I accomplish. I move mountains.
But I can only do it for so long, people.
I forget this.
So it hits me like a ton of bricks last night: I'm tired of being a grown up. I'm tired of the process of learning how to run a business while working full time anyway, while being a mother while having no social life. It wasn't so bad when my boyfriend was being a hermit. I had company. But in the process of his own growth, he's decided he needs to have a life. I agree. But dear God, I never thought it would be so difficult to not RESENT HIM for it. He goes out and has a great time and I am sitting at home seething, I WANT ATTENTION I WANT TO HAVE FUN TOO.
Who am I?
Well, that's another question. Right now I'm introspecting to see what the hell is going on in here.
I want somebody to take care of me.
I'm so tired.
I am so very tired.
But....I wouldn't trade the responsibility.
I love it.
I just want a break, a vacation maybe? But mostly some support when I come home from a long day of work. I've never been the boss before. It occurs to me I can not bitch to anyone about work matters anymore. What I know now is personal company business. If I like my job, I'd best keep my mouth shut.
So, I have a bad day and my boyfriend is out....and I sit here and wait, I want to decompress, I want someone to make ME feel better.
Hence the whining.
More later.
Attention please flat butted girls:
I saw one of your sisters today at the post office. In case you are unaware, please let me gently inform you: Do not wear low rise jeans. When you lack butt, the seam down the backside strangely sinks from the waistband into somewhere under your butt. It is peculiar and odd.
For those of you having witnessed this bizarre spectacle, you know what I'm talking about.
The butt seam (for lack of a better description) was maybe 2 inches long from her waistband to where it disappears under her butt, or lack there of.
I am no fashionista.
I'm just saying it's oddly creepy.
I saw one of your sisters today at the post office. In case you are unaware, please let me gently inform you: Do not wear low rise jeans. When you lack butt, the seam down the backside strangely sinks from the waistband into somewhere under your butt. It is peculiar and odd.
For those of you having witnessed this bizarre spectacle, you know what I'm talking about.
The butt seam (for lack of a better description) was maybe 2 inches long from her waistband to where it disappears under her butt, or lack there of.
I am no fashionista.
I'm just saying it's oddly creepy.
Monday, December 15, 2003
VELVEETA
I have been so busy with work I can barely stay awake, but I had to blog this guy I met today.
He's outside the bank, with a SUV packed full of framed artwork. He comes up to me and strikes up a conversation. He is young, and really good looking. He makes some Star Wars reference (seeing that I am a Star Wars fan) and asks me if I've read such and such, small talk, blah blah blah. I do the polite girl thing to do, which is mention that my boyfriend has that book (i.e. I'm not interested, I have a boyfriend, in case you don't want to waste your time...but if you're just being friendly, that's fine with me) and he doesn't miss a beat, keeps on talking....Ok. He asks me if I like art, to which I reply yes, and he tried to SELL me some of this framed art in the back of the SUV. It's nice, nice frames, some of it's frou-frou but there's some Dali and what not. It's all wrapped, the corners sealed in cardboard protectors...you know, nicely packaged. I tell him I'll look but I don't have any money to be buying stuff. He tells me they take checks, or I could run to the ATM and he'll hold it for me (Oh gee, thank God! I might die if you didn't!) and I'm laughing and tell him he's really quite the salesman, isn't he? He tells me he's not at all, he's an interior designer (there's an inflated job title! Out of the back of your car! Amazing! Interior design! So mobile!). He mentions where he's from (Miami) and I tell him thats a long drive to sell artwork, eh? He says no, no, he's living in Charlotte now and by the way, if I have a cell phone he could call me tomorrow so I could buy some artwork.....(me laughing again) I tell him I don't have a cell phone (which is true, I don't). He blows all kinds of sunshine up my butt, tells me how funny I am, how great I am, how he would love to hang out (would he ever shut up about the artwork, I wondered?) and finally just comes out and asks, "Do you have a boyfriend?" I tell him yes, and he says, "Ok, well....I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch tomorrow, I'll still be in town..." and I'm thinking this guy just doesn't give up, does he? Which is a sexy trait unless he trying to SELL you something, in which case it's annoying.
Ok- so here's what I thought:
1) I told you in the very beginning I had a boyfriend. You have already proven you don't shut up and you obviously don't listen!
2) I so do not want to buy any artwork. When I said I couldn't buy any, I meant exactly what I said. Again, you aren't listening.
3) You live in Charlotte but want to get together while you're here tomorrow? Uh....and then what? Where exactly are you going with that thought, buster?
4) He asks if I have a boyfriend and I tell him yes, to which he replies that he wants to have lunch tomorrow...like, yah, I heard you say you have a boyfriend but that is really inconsequential considering I'll only be here for one more day (see #3) Ewww!
Just then another lady came out of the bank, interested in the artwork. I took off, and managed to get out of earshot before cracking up. I laughed all the way down the street.
What a cheeseball.
What a freakin Velveeta.
He's outside the bank, with a SUV packed full of framed artwork. He comes up to me and strikes up a conversation. He is young, and really good looking. He makes some Star Wars reference (seeing that I am a Star Wars fan) and asks me if I've read such and such, small talk, blah blah blah. I do the polite girl thing to do, which is mention that my boyfriend has that book (i.e. I'm not interested, I have a boyfriend, in case you don't want to waste your time...but if you're just being friendly, that's fine with me) and he doesn't miss a beat, keeps on talking....Ok. He asks me if I like art, to which I reply yes, and he tried to SELL me some of this framed art in the back of the SUV. It's nice, nice frames, some of it's frou-frou but there's some Dali and what not. It's all wrapped, the corners sealed in cardboard protectors...you know, nicely packaged. I tell him I'll look but I don't have any money to be buying stuff. He tells me they take checks, or I could run to the ATM and he'll hold it for me (Oh gee, thank God! I might die if you didn't!) and I'm laughing and tell him he's really quite the salesman, isn't he? He tells me he's not at all, he's an interior designer (there's an inflated job title! Out of the back of your car! Amazing! Interior design! So mobile!). He mentions where he's from (Miami) and I tell him thats a long drive to sell artwork, eh? He says no, no, he's living in Charlotte now and by the way, if I have a cell phone he could call me tomorrow so I could buy some artwork.....(me laughing again) I tell him I don't have a cell phone (which is true, I don't). He blows all kinds of sunshine up my butt, tells me how funny I am, how great I am, how he would love to hang out (would he ever shut up about the artwork, I wondered?) and finally just comes out and asks, "Do you have a boyfriend?" I tell him yes, and he says, "Ok, well....I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch tomorrow, I'll still be in town..." and I'm thinking this guy just doesn't give up, does he? Which is a sexy trait unless he trying to SELL you something, in which case it's annoying.
Ok- so here's what I thought:
1) I told you in the very beginning I had a boyfriend. You have already proven you don't shut up and you obviously don't listen!
2) I so do not want to buy any artwork. When I said I couldn't buy any, I meant exactly what I said. Again, you aren't listening.
3) You live in Charlotte but want to get together while you're here tomorrow? Uh....and then what? Where exactly are you going with that thought, buster?
4) He asks if I have a boyfriend and I tell him yes, to which he replies that he wants to have lunch tomorrow...like, yah, I heard you say you have a boyfriend but that is really inconsequential considering I'll only be here for one more day (see #3) Ewww!
Just then another lady came out of the bank, interested in the artwork. I took off, and managed to get out of earshot before cracking up. I laughed all the way down the street.
What a cheeseball.
What a freakin Velveeta.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Our local oldies station keeps making cracks about Ozzy Osbourne's accident. "Yah, the doctors say he may have trouble walking and slurred speech after he recovers." "Oh, so you're saying he'll make a full recovery?" "laughter"
Seriously, you guys can shut the hell up.
As an old die hard fan of Black Sabbath, I AM NOT AMUSED.
Seriously, you guys can shut the hell up.
As an old die hard fan of Black Sabbath, I AM NOT AMUSED.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Strange thing today.
I was grocery shopping today and I came around the corner of one aisle to see a lady with a dog standing there. It wasn't a seeing eye dog, just a dog on a leash. A big black German shepard, to be exact. And I walked down to her, even though I needed nothing in that aisle, and asked her if I could pet her dog. She smiled, and I saw she was missing a few teeth. She was very friendly and so was her dog. After talking to her for a moment, it became apparent that something was not quite right with her. After talking to her for a few minutes (and petting her dog!) she asked me if she could have my phone number, would I mind? She is trying to reach out and make new friends, she said. After her accident (she had a seizure and apparently knocked herself on the floor hard enough to knock out some teeth and cause brain damage, she said) some of her friends have "...gone away". And while I had this inner feeling of warning bells and images of some strange woman calling me at 4 am talking about her day, I said yes, and wrote it down for her. I must admit I contemplated giving her the wrong number, to avoid the bizarre conversations that are bound to come to my telephone eventually. But she was so pure and honest and well meaning. I couldn't do that to her. And so I hand her my number and all sort of images are running through my head, when will she call me? What does she want to talk about? What does she want? What if she won't go away, or won't quit calling me?
I left the store, still kind of freaked out that I gave her my number, and by the time I got to my truck and I was tired of thinking about it so I said, "Ok, it's up to you now!!!" (me talking to God).
Still I thought about it while I made dinner, and wondered what was my reason for talking to her in the first place, what would she want, what could I possibly do for her?
Then it hit me: Maybe she's doing something for me.
Just because she has brain damage doesn't mean she's helpless and needs me, for crying out loud.
You know sometimes....it's very disorienting to have my head suddenly come out of my butt.
I was grocery shopping today and I came around the corner of one aisle to see a lady with a dog standing there. It wasn't a seeing eye dog, just a dog on a leash. A big black German shepard, to be exact. And I walked down to her, even though I needed nothing in that aisle, and asked her if I could pet her dog. She smiled, and I saw she was missing a few teeth. She was very friendly and so was her dog. After talking to her for a moment, it became apparent that something was not quite right with her. After talking to her for a few minutes (and petting her dog!) she asked me if she could have my phone number, would I mind? She is trying to reach out and make new friends, she said. After her accident (she had a seizure and apparently knocked herself on the floor hard enough to knock out some teeth and cause brain damage, she said) some of her friends have "...gone away". And while I had this inner feeling of warning bells and images of some strange woman calling me at 4 am talking about her day, I said yes, and wrote it down for her. I must admit I contemplated giving her the wrong number, to avoid the bizarre conversations that are bound to come to my telephone eventually. But she was so pure and honest and well meaning. I couldn't do that to her. And so I hand her my number and all sort of images are running through my head, when will she call me? What does she want to talk about? What does she want? What if she won't go away, or won't quit calling me?
I left the store, still kind of freaked out that I gave her my number, and by the time I got to my truck and I was tired of thinking about it so I said, "Ok, it's up to you now!!!" (me talking to God).
Still I thought about it while I made dinner, and wondered what was my reason for talking to her in the first place, what would she want, what could I possibly do for her?
Then it hit me: Maybe she's doing something for me.
Just because she has brain damage doesn't mean she's helpless and needs me, for crying out loud.
You know sometimes....it's very disorienting to have my head suddenly come out of my butt.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
It poured rain today.
Then the sun came out, and after that much rain, the suns return was magical, fabulous, wonderful. So I sat outside the bank for awhile and stared out at the sky while listening to Neil Diamond sing "Play Me" over and over. It was just one of those transcendental moments, watching the flags whip and curl in the wind, the wisps of clouds soaring by above, the lone hawk in the sky circling, circling....
and for some reason it was reminding me of being a teenager.
This weekend there's an 80's industrial goth night downtown. My friends and I are going. I'm so excited, hopefully it will be good, because this is MY music, MY scene. Granted, I am no longer a goth chick, that was 15 years ago. What's really rather odd to me is that when I listen to old "new wave" music, it takes me back to one of the most miserable times in my life (so I thought at the time) and yet it makes me feel so free and so happy to hear it. It's like it's reminding me of a happy childhood. But, at the time I listened to that stuff I was suicidal and filled with more than my fair share of teenage angst.
So why would it make me happy?
Oh, sure, I could say it's because now I'm grown up and free from all that, but that is so not the answer.
It's deeper.
I think back then I felt oppressed, but I knew one day it would be better. I was so filled with hope.
Now I am sadly far more cynical.
I think that music reminds me of dreaming of better days, of freedom, of endless possibilities.
It reminds me of a feeling I have stored so deep in my psyche I've almost forgotten it was there.
Hopefulness.
And somehow accessing that forgotten hope makes me feel so alive, almost electric, magical.
I'm not sure why Neil Diamond singing "Play Me" brought that feeling on, but it did.
It was awesome.
Then the sun came out, and after that much rain, the suns return was magical, fabulous, wonderful. So I sat outside the bank for awhile and stared out at the sky while listening to Neil Diamond sing "Play Me" over and over. It was just one of those transcendental moments, watching the flags whip and curl in the wind, the wisps of clouds soaring by above, the lone hawk in the sky circling, circling....
and for some reason it was reminding me of being a teenager.
This weekend there's an 80's industrial goth night downtown. My friends and I are going. I'm so excited, hopefully it will be good, because this is MY music, MY scene. Granted, I am no longer a goth chick, that was 15 years ago. What's really rather odd to me is that when I listen to old "new wave" music, it takes me back to one of the most miserable times in my life (so I thought at the time) and yet it makes me feel so free and so happy to hear it. It's like it's reminding me of a happy childhood. But, at the time I listened to that stuff I was suicidal and filled with more than my fair share of teenage angst.
So why would it make me happy?
Oh, sure, I could say it's because now I'm grown up and free from all that, but that is so not the answer.
It's deeper.
I think back then I felt oppressed, but I knew one day it would be better. I was so filled with hope.
Now I am sadly far more cynical.
I think that music reminds me of dreaming of better days, of freedom, of endless possibilities.
It reminds me of a feeling I have stored so deep in my psyche I've almost forgotten it was there.
Hopefulness.
And somehow accessing that forgotten hope makes me feel so alive, almost electric, magical.
I'm not sure why Neil Diamond singing "Play Me" brought that feeling on, but it did.
It was awesome.
swimming upstream
Ok, the Boyfriend is out with the girls from work.
It's weird, the way I feel. I'm so used to being a paranoid jealous bitch it's almost instinctual reaction at this point. I'm not happy making that statement about myself, but there it is. It's a fact. Not one I'm proud of.
And I'm watching TV and trying hard not to let my wretched imagination run away with me. It's keeps yanking, like a dog on a leash, one seriously big ass dog...and the calm voice (a rather small voice, I notice) of logic is trying to calm the dog down, like, hey buster chill. Ain't nothin to freak out about.
I want this to work.
And I'm amazed to find out how much concentration it's taking me to accept it. I feel tired, I want him to come home already, I feel like I am emotionally swimming upstream, against the tide of my own delusion.
Overly dramatic? Ok, I'll grant you that.
But accurate nonetheless.
It's weird, the way I feel. I'm so used to being a paranoid jealous bitch it's almost instinctual reaction at this point. I'm not happy making that statement about myself, but there it is. It's a fact. Not one I'm proud of.
And I'm watching TV and trying hard not to let my wretched imagination run away with me. It's keeps yanking, like a dog on a leash, one seriously big ass dog...and the calm voice (a rather small voice, I notice) of logic is trying to calm the dog down, like, hey buster chill. Ain't nothin to freak out about.
I want this to work.
And I'm amazed to find out how much concentration it's taking me to accept it. I feel tired, I want him to come home already, I feel like I am emotionally swimming upstream, against the tide of my own delusion.
Overly dramatic? Ok, I'll grant you that.
But accurate nonetheless.
The Boyfriend and I are now trying out this whole being friends with the opposite sex thing. I say this somewhat sarcastically because he's still being one sided about it. He keeps telling me its ok for him to hang out with the Chick from his work because they're co-workers. So somehow that's not like a date, it's different. I tell him guys at work ask me out ALL THE TIME and how would he like it if I go? At which point he yelled at me, "Fine! Go ahead! Go out and fuck them for all I care!" Which of course, he DOES care, and he does not actually want me to do this, he points out in a more rational moment. Well, duh. My point is that it would bother him a great great deal, and judging from his ridiculous response, he is so totally NOT ok with it. He, of course, refuses to acknowledge that and instead is being stubborn about his version of "logic" about the co-worker thing.
SO, tonight, he is going out with a couple of the girls from work. I was totally cool about it on the phone, so I'm curious as to what he'll do.
You see, he's always hung out with people from work after work. But until the last few months, the people at work have been all guys. Now there's a bunch of girls.
I find this very trying.
What's trying about it is I've been allowed to be complacent and jealous. I haven't had to think about him being around other girls because he never was.
I've blogged many times about this in the past.
It occurs to me that I've always had boyfriends that hung out with other girls. And if I can make the green eyed monster in my head shut UP for a minute, I will tell you this: I think it's good. I've always thought it was good. I've loved having boyfriends that have female friends. Just as I love having male friends.
It's awesome to hang out with guys. Guys, for me, are the ultimate learning ground for a relationship. If the guys see me as one of the guys, they talk honestly. And women, you can learn a hell of a lot about men by the way men talk when women "aren't" around. My favorite conversations (at least, the ones I find most useful) are the ones where guys are bitching about their girlfriends. I find out things all guys hate and make sure not to do that to my boyfriend. And they're awesome testing ground for problems. If the Boyfriend and I are fighting over something I could ask my guy friends, who will honestly tell me if he's being a jerk or I'm being a crazy bitch.
This last benefit cannot be overlooked. This is crucial for me!
And it's something I've been lacking.
So why am I being so snotty right now? Because I'm not so sure my Boyfriend is going to be able to accept his part of this deal with any grace. We'll see. If his past actions are any indication, there's bound to be a fight sooner or later.
And it's all so stupid, really. We both are people who have always been friends with the opposite sex. But when we got together, neither one of us wanted the other to do so anymore.
Why?
Why have we co-created this ridiculous drama for ourselves?
Why is this relationship different?
But like I told him a few nights ago, I'm happy about this. I think this is a good step for us, and I think it will make what we have even better and stronger. It's what we should have had all along.
But as I was driving home from work today I was thinking about it and realized it's not going to be easy. Retraining four years of thought process isn't going to be a walk in the park.
I'm proud of us.
That pride doesn't help make me graceful, though.
SO, tonight, he is going out with a couple of the girls from work. I was totally cool about it on the phone, so I'm curious as to what he'll do.
You see, he's always hung out with people from work after work. But until the last few months, the people at work have been all guys. Now there's a bunch of girls.
I find this very trying.
What's trying about it is I've been allowed to be complacent and jealous. I haven't had to think about him being around other girls because he never was.
I've blogged many times about this in the past.
It occurs to me that I've always had boyfriends that hung out with other girls. And if I can make the green eyed monster in my head shut UP for a minute, I will tell you this: I think it's good. I've always thought it was good. I've loved having boyfriends that have female friends. Just as I love having male friends.
It's awesome to hang out with guys. Guys, for me, are the ultimate learning ground for a relationship. If the guys see me as one of the guys, they talk honestly. And women, you can learn a hell of a lot about men by the way men talk when women "aren't" around. My favorite conversations (at least, the ones I find most useful) are the ones where guys are bitching about their girlfriends. I find out things all guys hate and make sure not to do that to my boyfriend. And they're awesome testing ground for problems. If the Boyfriend and I are fighting over something I could ask my guy friends, who will honestly tell me if he's being a jerk or I'm being a crazy bitch.
This last benefit cannot be overlooked. This is crucial for me!
And it's something I've been lacking.
So why am I being so snotty right now? Because I'm not so sure my Boyfriend is going to be able to accept his part of this deal with any grace. We'll see. If his past actions are any indication, there's bound to be a fight sooner or later.
And it's all so stupid, really. We both are people who have always been friends with the opposite sex. But when we got together, neither one of us wanted the other to do so anymore.
Why?
Why have we co-created this ridiculous drama for ourselves?
Why is this relationship different?
But like I told him a few nights ago, I'm happy about this. I think this is a good step for us, and I think it will make what we have even better and stronger. It's what we should have had all along.
But as I was driving home from work today I was thinking about it and realized it's not going to be easy. Retraining four years of thought process isn't going to be a walk in the park.
I'm proud of us.
That pride doesn't help make me graceful, though.
Friday, December 05, 2003
I saw an odd article in a local paper recently. The headline read: Tax Season Looms Upon Us.
Hmmm, methinks."Looms" sounds a bit cryptic, no?
And I realized the for people like me, who don't make buttloads of money, tax season does not LOOM, dear sir! It tantalizes, it teases, and it doesn't come soon enough!
Let me state this quite clearly: I WANT THAT TAX RETURN IN MY GREEDY SWEATY HAND RIGHT NOW!
Now for those of you making the aforementioned buttloads of money, yes tax season sucks. And for all the accountants, etc. Those people have a lot of paperwork to do.
But this time of year is, for me, a terrible tease. I'm broke trying to buy Christmas presents and yet in a month or two I'll have cash flowing out of my ears. Or butt. Whatever.
"Looms." Hmph.
Hmmm, methinks."Looms" sounds a bit cryptic, no?
And I realized the for people like me, who don't make buttloads of money, tax season does not LOOM, dear sir! It tantalizes, it teases, and it doesn't come soon enough!
Let me state this quite clearly: I WANT THAT TAX RETURN IN MY GREEDY SWEATY HAND RIGHT NOW!
Now for those of you making the aforementioned buttloads of money, yes tax season sucks. And for all the accountants, etc. Those people have a lot of paperwork to do.
But this time of year is, for me, a terrible tease. I'm broke trying to buy Christmas presents and yet in a month or two I'll have cash flowing out of my ears. Or butt. Whatever.
"Looms." Hmph.
Went to the Boyfriends work to tell his bosses just how truly ill he is.
He has the flu. We had to call an ambulance at 4 am this morning because he thought he was having a heart attack. Nothing like a heart attack to put all your issues on the back burner, eh? Oh dear, dismiss my sarcasm, it's the sleep deprivation talking. Anyway, he puked and was fine by the time the paramedics arrived. They told him it sounds like the virus thats going around, and he said ok and they left. He was actually pretty embarrassed when they showed up, but not when I called. Scared me half to death, too.
So, the Chick at work (see previous blogs) came into the back and hung out for awhile when she was done. She obviously wasn't entirely comfortable and I believe she was trying to hang out with me to let me see that she isn't a threat. And while I find the whole thing embarrassing, I am very touched by this gesture. She had no reason to be back there shooting the shit with me (I don't know her and thats a big part of the problem), and it seemed to me that she was not only understanding why I am uncomfortable with her hanging out with my boyfriend, but also mature enough to understand what was the right thing to do.
I am impressed.
She was, truth be told, a big reason of why I went in there. But I had no reason to go hang around until my b/f got ill. So I went in to tell the boss whats up and feel her out. I mean, I've embarrassed myself for throwing such total fits over them hanging out. But like I explained to him, he's always been a bitch about me hanging out or talking to ANY guys. So why should he expect different treatment? (And why haven't I ever just stomped my foot and told him to get the hell over it like he's doing to me, I wonder?)
But then she could be really cool and could end up being MY friend, in which case her first impression of me is that I'm a bitch.
Well, wouldn't be the first person to think so. Still....
I didn't get the feeling that she was talking to me to try to trick me. It was a very pure intention she was putting out.
I feel a lot better.
I wanted to tell her thanks, but that would have made an uncomfortable situation worse.
He has the flu. We had to call an ambulance at 4 am this morning because he thought he was having a heart attack. Nothing like a heart attack to put all your issues on the back burner, eh? Oh dear, dismiss my sarcasm, it's the sleep deprivation talking. Anyway, he puked and was fine by the time the paramedics arrived. They told him it sounds like the virus thats going around, and he said ok and they left. He was actually pretty embarrassed when they showed up, but not when I called. Scared me half to death, too.
So, the Chick at work (see previous blogs) came into the back and hung out for awhile when she was done. She obviously wasn't entirely comfortable and I believe she was trying to hang out with me to let me see that she isn't a threat. And while I find the whole thing embarrassing, I am very touched by this gesture. She had no reason to be back there shooting the shit with me (I don't know her and thats a big part of the problem), and it seemed to me that she was not only understanding why I am uncomfortable with her hanging out with my boyfriend, but also mature enough to understand what was the right thing to do.
I am impressed.
She was, truth be told, a big reason of why I went in there. But I had no reason to go hang around until my b/f got ill. So I went in to tell the boss whats up and feel her out. I mean, I've embarrassed myself for throwing such total fits over them hanging out. But like I explained to him, he's always been a bitch about me hanging out or talking to ANY guys. So why should he expect different treatment? (And why haven't I ever just stomped my foot and told him to get the hell over it like he's doing to me, I wonder?)
But then she could be really cool and could end up being MY friend, in which case her first impression of me is that I'm a bitch.
Well, wouldn't be the first person to think so. Still....
I didn't get the feeling that she was talking to me to try to trick me. It was a very pure intention she was putting out.
I feel a lot better.
I wanted to tell her thanks, but that would have made an uncomfortable situation worse.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Well, had let another long dragged out conversations (with varying decibels) with the Boyfriend about the chick at work.
Blah blah blah I'm really just sick of even talking about it.
But, for the sake of clarity (and hopefully not hindsight), let me state that I'm ok with it. Well, I'm somewhat ok with it. If this means I finally get to hang out with my male friends again, so be it.
What I know is this: I have a lot of male friends. I always have. I attribute this to being a tomboy growing up and always hanging out with my brothers friends....I was never a girly girl. And although I do like, on occasion, to dress up and go out, I am generally a low maintenance kinda chick, physically speaking. I am not obsessed with designer clothes and really could care less what is in style. I wear what I like. I like to look GOOD, mind you, but good is in the eye of the beholder along with beauty. What IS my point?
Oh, yes. Guys like this about me. I'm the kind of girl that gets along well with guys. Some girls would be lost as to what to talk about, or grossed out by mens generally pigliness (and they are, oh yah) but I've always had a lot of male friends and I've learned to not care about that stuff so much.
SO since the Boyfriend and I started dating, he was always very possessive and jealous about my male friends. So I rarely ever talk to them anymore, which makes me feel like A Total Weenie. And this has been a point of contention with us, since I will occasionally feel like such a heel, I'll hang out with a guy, or call one of my friends and the Boyfriend always, without fail, throws a total fucking fit over it.
NOW, all of a sudden, he cannot possibly understand why I'm pissed he wants to hang out with a chick? After all the bullshit I've had to listen to out of his mouth over the years?
NOW he says, it's no big deal, why can't we have friends of the opposite sex? Why am I freaking out, he wants to know?
Um, hellllooooo?
What's with the sudden turn around? The total change of face?
I understand people change, and I think this is a good change. Mmmmm...I think so. But he has got to understand that this is new territory for us and the transition may not go smoothly. He's got to understand that my paranoia is not unexpected here.
So I just keep asking him, "Why THIS girl? Whats so special about HER? Why have you never hung out with any other girl until NOW? WHY HER???"
I mean, one could easily follow the paranoia train to the logical conclusion: he's hot for her.
He swears he's not, that she's not "his type". (I cock and eyebrow to that!) I believe him when he says it's platonic.
But why all of a sudden?
Thats what drives me nuts about it.
It doesn't rest well with me at all.
And now the Boyfriend is hurt and insulted that I would think so low of him- well, is this not what you've thought of me all along? Welcome to my world, buster. Sucks, doesn't it?
I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person here.
I really want us to have a relationship free of stupid jealousies.
But I do not change gears so suddenly. He's changing the rules in mid game. He's got to understand that.
Blah blah blah I'm really just sick of even talking about it.
But, for the sake of clarity (and hopefully not hindsight), let me state that I'm ok with it. Well, I'm somewhat ok with it. If this means I finally get to hang out with my male friends again, so be it.
What I know is this: I have a lot of male friends. I always have. I attribute this to being a tomboy growing up and always hanging out with my brothers friends....I was never a girly girl. And although I do like, on occasion, to dress up and go out, I am generally a low maintenance kinda chick, physically speaking. I am not obsessed with designer clothes and really could care less what is in style. I wear what I like. I like to look GOOD, mind you, but good is in the eye of the beholder along with beauty. What IS my point?
Oh, yes. Guys like this about me. I'm the kind of girl that gets along well with guys. Some girls would be lost as to what to talk about, or grossed out by mens generally pigliness (and they are, oh yah) but I've always had a lot of male friends and I've learned to not care about that stuff so much.
SO since the Boyfriend and I started dating, he was always very possessive and jealous about my male friends. So I rarely ever talk to them anymore, which makes me feel like A Total Weenie. And this has been a point of contention with us, since I will occasionally feel like such a heel, I'll hang out with a guy, or call one of my friends and the Boyfriend always, without fail, throws a total fucking fit over it.
NOW, all of a sudden, he cannot possibly understand why I'm pissed he wants to hang out with a chick? After all the bullshit I've had to listen to out of his mouth over the years?
NOW he says, it's no big deal, why can't we have friends of the opposite sex? Why am I freaking out, he wants to know?
Um, hellllooooo?
What's with the sudden turn around? The total change of face?
I understand people change, and I think this is a good change. Mmmmm...I think so. But he has got to understand that this is new territory for us and the transition may not go smoothly. He's got to understand that my paranoia is not unexpected here.
So I just keep asking him, "Why THIS girl? Whats so special about HER? Why have you never hung out with any other girl until NOW? WHY HER???"
I mean, one could easily follow the paranoia train to the logical conclusion: he's hot for her.
He swears he's not, that she's not "his type". (I cock and eyebrow to that!) I believe him when he says it's platonic.
But why all of a sudden?
Thats what drives me nuts about it.
It doesn't rest well with me at all.
And now the Boyfriend is hurt and insulted that I would think so low of him- well, is this not what you've thought of me all along? Welcome to my world, buster. Sucks, doesn't it?
I'm trying really hard to be the bigger person here.
I really want us to have a relationship free of stupid jealousies.
But I do not change gears so suddenly. He's changing the rules in mid game. He's got to understand that.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Boyfriend problems again.
What am I supposed to think about my boyfriend wanting to hang out with some girl he works with? He swears it's nothing, and I can tell when he's lying (or so I THINK) but then he knows it upsets me and wants to hang out with her anyway. Am I being overly jealous? Or rightfully so? I feel like I"m trying to protect our relationship, like he's just playing with fire and seems to not have a clue.
I also feel like he knows full damn well what he's doing and he's just being an asshole.
I never used to be jealous.
I just don't know what to think.
Fucking ulcer.
What am I supposed to think about my boyfriend wanting to hang out with some girl he works with? He swears it's nothing, and I can tell when he's lying (or so I THINK) but then he knows it upsets me and wants to hang out with her anyway. Am I being overly jealous? Or rightfully so? I feel like I"m trying to protect our relationship, like he's just playing with fire and seems to not have a clue.
I also feel like he knows full damn well what he's doing and he's just being an asshole.
I never used to be jealous.
I just don't know what to think.
Fucking ulcer.
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