More weird dreams~~~

Last night I dreamed I was in a shoot out with my brother (who I love dearly so this is very bizarre). Two other people and I are shooting at him because he's shooting at US. He is quite definitely hitting the other two people, and I am at a loss as to where to shoot him. In the shoulder? I don't want to shoot him, but since he seems to have gone psychotic, I know it must be done (the necessary evil theme popping up again). He actually hits me once, in the front right shin. I finally figure out, in the midst of my panic, "Duh! I'll shoot his gun!" So I do and he's temporarily defenseless. So I run away, and jump in my truck and take off for the nearest hospital. I wake up then, gasping for breath. When I take a minute to think about it, I find it comforting that he and I were both avoiding vital areas while shooting each other (an odd comfort granted), but disconcerting that I took off at the end- what about those two other people? I mean, I got shot in the shin, it's hardly life threatening. I guess I didn't care about them. I wouldn't even shoot my own brother to save them. I mean, I love him. They were just, well, some people in my dream. ~shrug~
Weird.

I wonder- are the things that annoy me so deeply with the people around me suddenly going to smack me in the face? Like, I find in life the things that annoy me about other people I eventually realize are my OWN issues. The mirror effect. Once I fix the problem in myself, the other people suddenly cease to annoy me.

Things to ponder.

Oooooooooh I have the feeling I'm in for a life altering event. You know, one of those Major Realizations. Well, I feel like I'm in the midst of it anyway. Like, I keep thinking I have it figured out and then another layer peels off, leaving me feeling raw and exposed and yet someone clearer than before. It's not a pleasant feeling, by any means. Kind of...a necessary evil.
But seeing as how introspection is my way of life, it's not a road I am unfamiliar with. And I also know it always leads to somewhere far more wonderful. But then road there is usually terribly painful. As it feels lately.

Your truly is still mid crisis.

It's too bad. I thought I was post crisis.
I was wrong.
Such is life.

" That's one thing about sitting in the big chair; people can say that and almost always be right. Barring strokes, heart attacks, and drunk drivers, I guess. Barring acts of what we mortals hope is God. People who sit in the big chair- who have worked to get there and work to stay there- never say oh fuck it and go fishing. No. Us big-chair folks continue making the beds, washing the dishes, and baling the hay, doing the best we can. Ah, man, what would we do without you? people say. The answer is that most of them would go on doing whatever the hell they want, same as always. Going to hell in the same old handbasket."
--- From A Buick 8 by Stephen King

I've been doing some thinking today about oppressed people. So many people in other countries that can't do....God, so many things. And how so many of us Americans sit around bitching about how our lives suck ass while doing nothing about it.... it's really sick when you think about it.
Pathetic.
I mean, if you put your mind to it, you can do anything in this country.

I bring this up because it has been a recurring theme in my life lately (listening to other people bitch, that is) and I'm really tempted to have a party. I will call it a Sloth Party. I will invite all these bitchy people and put them all in a room and make them watch documentaries about what REAL oppression is and then turn off the TV and scream at them,
" YOU ARE NOT OPPRESSED!!! YOU'RE JUST FUCKING LAZY!!! OR SCARED!!! OR BOTH!!! NOW SHUT UP AND STAND UP AND DO SOMETHING!!!!"



THAT, by the way, is what I discovered has been the real source of my rage lately.
Whaddya know.

Speaking of sex (What? We weren't? Are you sure?) I seem to be putting off the vibes of a cat in heat. Which...wouldn't be far off. So all day I've been wondering whats up with that. Then I read my horoscope, thanks to Joyce Jilson, which said something to the extent to fantasy being a good thing, and I laughed uproarously. INDEED! And also she mentions that the Sun is going into Scorpio (which means it is now conjuncting my Moon) and I say, "YEEEEFUCKINGHAW!!!!"

Many laughs from the yahoo bulk mail box:

Quite a few invitations to meet "real" people in my area. Damn, I guess all those people I saw today were cyborgs. That sucks, dude. They seemed so nice....

Susan writes to tell me "I got huger tits without surgery!" It's too bad she didn't learn eloquence.

And in case this actually NEEDS to be said:

MEN! Increasing the size of your penis won't do you any good without also increasing your enthusiasm. You may have the largest dick in the world but a corpse with a huge penis is still a corpse.
Get some enthusiasm.
Get some excitement.
Get some self esteem.
Quit worrying about the size of your willy.

Likewise:

WOMEN! Increasing the size of your breasts will not please him more in bed. If you suck at sex your larger tits will not take away from this glaring fact.
Get some enthusiasm.
Get some excitement.
Get some self esteem.
Quit worrying about the size of your boobies.

I think people who are trying to sue fast food companies for "making" them fat should be smacked upside the head with a rubber chicken.
Repeatedly.

It would also help if it were done in a public square, and the chicken made a ridiculous squeeking sound while hitting them.

I think I've nailed down the source of my rage, and it wasn't what I thought it was. It was something else entirely. How surprised I am to discover the secret feelings I've hidden away so carefully- from myself.

You'll have to be patient while yours truly goes through a mini crisis here.

A bumper sticker I saw today:

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

You know, I could just empty all the bulk mail out of my yahoo account. But I would miss all the stupid stuff.

One subject line says:
Re: Monday Night Football.

Oh yah, I might fall for that one. I talk about Monday Night Football all the freakin time, so I can see how that subject line might trick me into opening it (NOT!!!)


Another subject line:
Free Alcohol Taster!

Hmmmm. Wait, that could come in useful. I could take them to the bar with me and ask them, "Do I like this drink? Here, taste it and tell me. No? Wretched? Ok. try this one." Yah...they've really cornered the market on a much needed commodity there.

Here's one-
Sender: Outstanding Daily News
Subject: Grow Gigantic Quickly.
I don't know, dude. That didn't work too well for the Hulk. I think I'll pass on that one.

More-
Sender: Big Stick
Subject: He Is Huge And Abnormal.
Ok, I know what it's likely going to be. But I must confess I wanted to click on this one, just cause they said ABNORMAL.

Another-
Sender: Huge Daily News
Subject: Expert Manhood Growth.

Is this like a normal news team in the land of the Jolly Green Giant; like news, but huge?
And Expert Manhood Growth....Oh, so many possibilities! Yet I am left with the image of a guy in a suit with some weird thing growing on his wanker, and him sitting in his executive chair staring bewildered at his willy.
Is it huge and abnormal?

Why won't anybody give the rabbit some Trix? Give him some damn Trix already. Sheesh!

I think there may be prerequisites to be an evil villian. You must be overly dramatic, grandiose! Whenever it's time for the villian to kill someone, they always have this overly thought out way too intricate plan. (Think Dr. Evil and his shark tank.) I mean, it always fails! By the time you almost get killed Batman has already arrived, or Spiderman is there to save the day, or whoever. Which reminds me of one of Top Funny Moments in a movie: Indiana Jones standing in the market with the guy with the swords. The guy is whipping them all around in a frightening display and Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, I love you!) pulls out a gun and shoots the guy BLAM!, then shrugs. Like, Dude! It's simple really. Here, I'll just shoot you.
Why don't the bad guys get this?

more stupid spam:

Another spam slap in the face awaited me today. I got this:

Sender: Free Samples
Subject: You Got Children?

First of all, I don't GOT children. I have one, yes, I don't GOT one.
Second it sounds like Got Milk? Which leaves open the door for all kinds of breastfeeding jokes, yessirreebob.
Third, it's from Free Samples. Your name is Free Samples? Boy, you're parents sure hated you.
Fourth, Free Samples is asking me if I GOT children. Do they have free samples of children for me?

I am almost curious. And yet, not.

After talking to a friend of mine (as she calls herself, My Token Lesbian Friend) tonight about depression, I feel I really have to take a good long look at myself. I am under a serious amount of stress right now. And while it may be all very temporary, I find it difficult to see around it. To see past it, I guess. I feel beat down and tired, frustrated and pissed off. Then I started thinking about maybe I should call a friend to talk about it but don't really know who to call, and that made me feel worse. I think any of my friends wouldn't mind and I'm just being mellowdramatic and need to pull my shit together and quit feeling sorry for myself. It's just hard when the one person you want to help you through something is going through something themselves, and they don't have any awareness at all of your pain- they're far too busy numbing their own.

Times like this make me wish I still did drugs.
Not really.

Well, sometimes.

I'm reading the Sunday paper. I like reading the wedding annoucements to see if anyone I know has gotten married, so I can say "Whooppee!" or "Good job!" or "What the hell are you thinking???" depending, you know....


I am frequently dumbfounded by the announcements.


Now, I am a Leo. I am well aware of my own delusions of grandeur. I am aware of my own egotistic chest beating and braggardly bullshit. I like to think perhaps I censor most of it out. Sometimes I don't (this blog being an example). It's not that I'm not aware my opinion is merely that- my OPINION. It's just that I believe I'm usually right. (Typed tongue in cheek!)

Having said that, I tell you I find these wedding announcement mind bogglingly barf worthy. The details people see fit to print I simply do not understand.
Ok- the bride and grooms names, where they are from, family members names, where they bride and groom works, where they went to college, these things I understand. It's helpful when you see their picture to help place where you know them from. The list of bridesmaids and the church they married in is stating to stretch it a little. Nice touch, to acknowledge the church and honor the people involved I suppose. Then it stretches on to include the pianist, the vocalist, the photographer, who attended the guest book...ok, still falling under acknowledgements but getting tedious. THEN you get the listing of what the bride wore, down to the fabric of her dress ("a bridal dress" would have sufficed, I can see it in the picture, duh!) and what her jewelry is made of, what the bridesmaids wore.....oh hell. I have to just type this one out, it's so damn ridiculous:

"....The bride wore a champagne silk ball gown by Christina Wu with a dropped waist. The strapless bodice featured intricate lace embroidery and seed pearl beading. The voluminous tulle skirt was embellished with appliques of lace flowers and pearls cascading down the cathedral train. The brides tiara was accented with Swarovski crystals, seed pearls and porcelain flowers of the same design as the lace on the gown. She carried an elegant hand-tied bouquet of cream hydrangea, vandella roses, calla lilies and hypericum berries.
Her attendants wore apple red satin gowns and a Swarovski crystal pendant necklace and matching earrings. The flower girls and ringbearers wore matching outfits of white silk dupioni...."


I know, I know, stop banging your head against the wall and try to soak up some of that drool..... IT'S BORING AS HELL and WHO CARES?????
And besides it's under the picture! I can SEE what she's wearing!

Are people that caught up in the details? Who writes this shitty drivel? When I'm at a wedding, I think the bride is beautiful and the groom handsome, I don't give a rats ass about the beading on her dress. She looks good, or she doesn't. The whole time I am raptly aware of the expressions on their faces, not the pearls in her tiara, for Christs sake! It's about love, it's a ceremony to demonstrate their commitment to a life with each other, it's not a damn fashion show! Are people really this superficial? How mortifying!

Having given it some thought, here's how I want my wedding announcement to read:

Two people got married. They had a gloriously bizarre wedding, with a sci-fi theme. People wore whatever the hell they wanted to, costumes were encouraged. It was an absolute freak fest, drawfed only by the overwhelming feeling of love that permeated all. The bride and groom spent most of the night fawning over each other in a smoochy display of mush. Everyone danced the night away laughing and smiling and most people hopefully went home and got some nookie in the post wedding glow of adoration. Attendees were noted as saying, "This is the most fun I've ever had in my life. I've never seen two people as in love as these two. It's freakin beautiful. (sniff!)"

A motherly moment:

The night before last my son was sleeping fitfully. I went in and felt his head and he was burning up. I gave him some Motrin and turned the air conditioning down lower to help him be comfortable. In the morning I took him temp and it was mighty high. So off I run to the grocery store, getting Motrin and Tylenol and Jell-o and 3 different kinds of juice, and 4 kinds of soda, those little fruit chewy things with vitamin C (3 kinds of those!) and pudding and popsicles, you know, all those kinds of things that make a kid feel better. I get to the register and am dumbfounded to realize I have almost $70 worth of feel-better crap I just bought, and not a single thing for dinner.

I walked to the truck, shaking my head and chuckling quietly.

Just finished watching True Romance with my boyfriend. Stupid boys! He tells me it's a classic. I tell him I've seen it (although it must have been back in my pot smoking days 'cause I remember a few scenes but barely anything else, which I find odd and disconcerting, to say the least). He tells me it's actually romantic, to which I raise an eyebrow but sit down to watch it. I tell him I am a wuss with an over active imagination who should not watch scary movies before bed. He tells me its not scary at all (please see two blogs entries down!) and I disagree. I watch it anyway.

After its over, and my hands and feet are ice cold, my hands are shaking and I my dinner is cold (I had to quit eating when the guys dad got his hand cut, appetite vanished back then). He says wasn't that romantic and I tell him he's a crack smoking retard.
She's a whore, they fall in love, he kills her pimp, they end up with all this cocaine by accident and they decide what the hell, they're going to sell it but in the process of their greed, the guys dad is killed by the gang looking for the coke, then all these other people end up dead at the end. The guy and girl end up escaping with the cash and run off to Cancun where they live happily ever after. Yay for them. Unfortunate for everyone else.
THAT, my friends, is an excellent example of the difference between men and women.
THAT was NOT romantic.

All that said, it was an excellent movie and I see why it is such a classic.

But, I repeat, it is NOT romantic.
And there's her voiceover at the end, "I kept hearing these 3 words over and over in my head" (she's talking about the end while everyone is being blown away at once, like a gory 4th of freakin July) and you're thinking it must be I Love You or maybe I Love Him or something. No. It's "You're so cool."
Yah. Romantic.


(Editors note from one year later: That fucking jackass. God was he a jackass. Crack smoking retard fucking jackass.)

Watching the Science Channel... there's a show about how archaeologists have found a hybrid child skeleton in Peru. It's half normal human, half Neanderthal. Now, they say, that changes everything! They thought Neanderthal died out, but now maybe they just interbred and were absorbed into the human race.

DUH!

Have they never met any inbred rednecks? Trust me, they're keeping the blood line pure. By incest.

Meet some. You too will be a believer.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooo, having some whacked out psycho dreams last night.
I fell asleep on the couch with my boyfriend. We were watching some awesome show on the Science Channel (I love this channel!) that involved surgery and flesh eating bacteria. Ok, maybe not the best thing to watch before bed. I remember waking up and telling him I had some dream that was "disturbing" but I don't remember what that one was....I went to bed, and I remember the dream I had then:
I was in a house, in a room that was partially below ground; the windows were ground level. There was an older lady (60's maybe) sitting across from me with her back to the window. Suddenly the window comes smashing in, and some guy with a medieval looking giant blade basically hacks through this woman from behind, then drags her out the window, where I cannot see. I can see her feet still hanging in the window, and I assume he's continuing to hack her up. I'm not sure which is worse, not being able to see her or being able to see her, as my imagination works overtime and I can guess how he's disemboweling her and so on....
I am traumatized, to say the least. Through the rest of the dream I am freaking out, because her body is still there, all I can see are her feet dangling in the window and I know this guy is still out there. I can't get near any windows. I'm thinking how he knew, has he been watching us? What else does he know, does he plan to kill us all? I can't stay downstairs. I'll have to go upstairs, where he can't get me through the window. But then if he gets inside I'll be trapped....
Somehow I end up outside and I am walking across a parking lot when I see a giant puma...its 7 feet long maybe and taller than me. I try to invisibly run to the car, and I get in the passenger seat. And then the driver starts towards the car, and its another older lady (whats with this theme? I don't know) and she's running, well, as fast as she can anyway. The giant puma sees her takes off in pursuit, and quickly catches her and starts to maul her. Somehow she makes it into the drivers side but the massive cat is still mauling her through the window. The last thing I remember is trying to grab one of its huge paws and pull it off the old lady (who is getting more mangled by the moment).
I wake up, look at the clock and decide there is no way in hell I am going to go back to sleep now. It's 5 am. Ok. Good enough. I get up.
I can't shake the dream at first, and am horrified this blade wielding psycho will burst in the door at any moment. He doesn't, of course. I eat some cereal. Turn on the science Channel and the same show is on again. I watch it thinking, "I really shouldn't watch medical shows before bed."
I mean, it's surgery, yah. But there is blood and I am such a total wuss when it comes to viewing the innards of the human body. Something about it is just way too traumatizing to me.

Every once in a while I'll check with MSNBC's week in pictures. When you finish looking through all the pictures, you can vote on your favorite. And I find it very interesting that the most votes have been for the nature pictures, the nice pictures, anything that makes you feel good....even though the more disturbing photos may be excellent, people don't vote them as a favorite.
Interesting, no?

My son has a festival at school. Psychoticly enough, I belong to the PTA. Whatever. They call and ask if I can do this or that to help set up the festival. I tell them what I can and CAN'T do, and its settled. Then I find out I'm signed up for something, and I didn't sign myself up for it. I ask the PTA gal, "Hey, whats up with this?" "Oh," she tells me sheepishly, "I signed you up for it, sorry!" UGH. I wanted to tell her, "Look, I'm not your bitch." But I smile and go ok, and I get off of work and come back to do the booth and find out she gave me the wrong time. It's an hour later. So now I've missed work for nothing and I am fucking pissed off. I must get rid of my foul mood though because its for the kids. DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!!!
In the future, I may well sign up for nothing ever again if this is what I get for trying to be helpful.


(later) I must confess the fall festival was nothing short of fabulous. Now I just feel like a whiner. Well, if the shoe fits....