Oh dear God. I'm going through the bulk mail in my yahoo account and start laughing at two particular spam messages. One has a subject line that says:

Free Cheese Grator! No Credit Card Required!

and another is:

Sender: Boobs

Subject: Nice Big Soft Boobs

That one made me laugh so hard I would have opened it, had not all these viruses been circulating. It's too bad. I really wanted to know what Boobs had to say about Nice Big Soft Boobs.

Today was the Lexington Avenue Arts and Fun Festival (a big name for a small festival). I went. I saw a few old friends there and it got me to thinking.
These friends of mine are on the bizarre side. Odd. Eccentric. The thing is, I used to belong, I used to be one of them. Now every time I see them I feel weird, distant, normal. And it bothers me. But should it? I mean, I feel like they look at me and think I sold out. As one of them (my ex boyfriend) told me once a few years ago, "You look like a yuppy mom!!!" I guess it's bothered me ever sinse.
I've come a long way, and I'm proud of that. I was never fit to be a nomad. I still find moving to be terribly traumatic. And living hand to mouth is not something to savor. But then I see them and I feel so superficial, so bland, so passive.
This is what actually bothers me. Where is my art? All of them have such artistic lives, so many outlets, so much expression. And me, well....many times have I thought I am becoming increasingly pent up and pissed off and frustrated. Not with life, but with people. Not with myself as much as peoples interactions with me. It's easy to fall into a rut of reacting to people.
I think it's time to shake things up.
The question is how.
I want my mojo back.
Of course, it hasn't ever left. I think it may be in a box somewhere. Maybe in the closet.

Watched the music video awards. And I've got to say, that was the most enjoyable time I've spent watching MTV in 15 years. And it was also the most I've watched MTV in 15 years. Seriously. Even added all together. All 15 years.

Sometimes I'm stricken by how fragile we all seem. I'll be driving down the road and suddenly realize all the people in the cars around me are all cuccooned in their own little worlds, their own worries, their own concerns, their own joys, sorrows, fantasies, guilt. And it's like....I can see the bubbles, the walls we all make to protect ourselves from detection, to protect oursleves from the pain others inflict....when all we really want more than anything is to be loved....and the walls we create are the very things that keep us from the love we so need....

Have you ever seen someone who was good looking, but then they smiled and became beautiful?

Which reminds me, I've noticed a huge difference between those people who are quick to smile and those who aren't. When I pass people in the course of my day, some are quick to smile, and I've decided those people make the world a better place.

Gee whiz. There was something I was going to write about but then I turned on the MTV music video awards and the sheer shock value of it has thus far emptied by brain of any intelligent discourse.
It may be the allergy medication.
And in case anyone else is watching, was R Kellys intro just the most discombobulated crackheaded bunch of jibbah jabbah?
And holy crap does Iggy Pop look freakier than ever.
And blah blah blah this box is sucking out my brain!!!!

What the hell was I saying?

~sigh~
Listening to the news.
It occurs to me that their are a lot of Iraqis shooting soldiers (American and British) for occupying their country. These same Iraqis were dancing in the street at their arrival a few months ago. Now they blow them up because they are still there, and the Iraqis don't want to be occupied. Does it not occur to these people that the occupying forces are there to finish what they started, in this case a self run government by Iraqis for Iraqis, and that fighting the soldiers is only prolonging the process?
I know I don't understand their culture, or the intricacies of what's going on. I know I am a nice little spoon fed news citizen. But it seems to me to be a bit counterproductive to shoot the people who are there for your benefit.

Ok, other than the next (or previous, as it were) post, I realize I am unduly vexed. Its amazing how someones elses crappy attitude can so completely affect my outlook.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Why do I keep reading shit that makes me lose such total faith in the human race?

Should I just not read the news anymore?

Is ignorance bliss?

Today I read on article on how often children die from being left in the car in the summer with the windows up.
Two stories:
1) The lady left her 10 month old and 3 year old in the car while she WENT TO HAVE HER NAILS AND HAIR DONE. Both dead.

2) A daycare left a 8 month old in a car outside for most of the day. Dead. Apparently after getting all the other children out they just...forgot one. HOW DO YOU FORGET???
Is this not important enough that maybe you would check twice?
And THEN the article suggested ideas on how to remember your kid is in the car: put a diaper bag on the front seat, put your briefcase in the back seat next to the baby.....

Christ Almighty people!

If you are that damn stupid you have no business procreating!
If you are that damn stupid you shouldn't be running a daycare!

End of discussion!
Period!
Don't breed!
Don't even LOOK at children!
They might catch your "Stupid".
You may as well die and donate all those organs you aren't using.
I'm serious.

I AM ENRAGED.

My neighbors downstairs are, quite possibly, idiots. This weekend they were down at the pool, and the "dad" kept yanking his shorts down and showing everyone his ass. He thought it was funny. His girlfriend laughed and said to me, "Did you see that? It must be a full moon!" And I stare at her like she's from another planet. God knows if my boyfriend did that in public I'd smack him upside the back of his head. Repeatedly. Till he grew a brain. But her, she just laughed. He walked all the way from the pool across the patio to where she's sitting and stuck his ass in her face. All while her 3 kids are playing in the pool. And mine. Who thankfully did not notice this bungling moron.

I've tried, really hard, to imagine how they could think this was acceptable behavior. And no matter how I try, I simply can't wrap my mind around it. So I've concluded they're just stupid.

While reading a book to my son before bed (Spiderman, but of course!) I got to thinking: Here's Spiderman, swinging all over town, shooting webs here and there.....wouldn't New York be the cobwebbiest place ever?
Oh, I know it's not real, it's just comical.

I just saw a commercial for Hondas Used Cars. Thank you Honda, for stating it like it is. I tire of PRE-OWNED cars. They aren't pre-owned. They're used.

I prefer to think of myself as alive, not pre-dead.
My insurance is current, not pre-expired.
I am hungry, not pre-full.

Adding a suffix changes nothing, ok?

Haiku is fancy
Eloquent way of stating
that which is mundane


I blog to vent shit
At times it is happiness
Other times its crap


What release it is
All my problems that exist
Fit in tiny lines

Oh! Redneck neighbor
Your stupid antics amuse
And offend me both

Why am I up still?
Here, writing blog haiku when
I could be sleeping

To sleep I shall go
Farewell gentle reader I
Need my forty winks

Why yes, now that you mention it, I am cranky. Everything is going well for me. Why am I cranky then, you ask? Because my BOYFRIEND is cranky, and has been forever, and it's wearing down the last nerve I have. I am trying to be supportive, and I am trying to be understanding, and I am trying to be compassionate, but I am a firm beleiver that if you don't like something, CHANGE IT. I don't mean people, you control freaks. I mean your life. I have many times blogged about situations that bug me, and always I am finding solutions and trying to work my way around it. This is the situation my boyfriend is in. He is really unhappy at work. But I have yet to see him do ANYTHING about it. Oh, he went on one job interview, a few weeks ago. Thats it. He's been bitching about it and grumpy about it even if he isn't bitching, for a year or more. Mostly the last 8 months or so. So now he spends most of his time holed up in his "den" and God forbid I request he come out for some reason, the heaving and sighing and acting like I'm asking him to carry boulders up a hill. He even heaves a sigh when I tell him it's time for dinner. And says, "Right now?" like it's terribly inconveniant for him to leave that video game he's playing to come out and eat the dinner that I cooked while he sat on his ass. Then he'll eat and go back in his room, and the next time I see him is when he comes to bed. Usually at like 2 am, sometimes 4 (when he falls asleep watching TV). And woe be him if he thinks he's getting any booty then.
And he can't understand why I'm getting annoyed. What am I so angry about?
He told me I was being a bitch yesterday, and I thought, "Oh hell. You have no idea how I'm restraining myself....." because I'm trying to be understanding.
I'm tempted to tell him we have a dinner date one night and pull up in front of the shrinks instead and say, "Surprise! We're getting counseling!"

I'm tired.
I am so freakin tired of it.

As I'm heading into the drug store today, I see some fancy shmancy lady coming out. Being the nice person that I (usually) am, I hold the door open for her. She just breezes on through and never smiles.....as she walked away I yelled, "You're welcome!" She never even turned around. I wanted to go grab her by her expensive hairdo and yank her back through the door, then let her open it her damn self.
A smile? A nod? Anything?
Stupid rude bitch.

I saw a funny thing today: a big bag of sand. It says on the bag, PLAY SAND, and also, 50 POUNDS OF FUN!

And I thought how funny it would be to see a kid trying to play with a 50 pound bag of sand.

Well.

I go into work today and my bosses ask me if I would like to run the company, as of January. I say, and I qoute, "Bring it on!!!"

That was certainly unexpected.

I'm actually speechless.

Part of my birthday present to myself is to work out. Next birthday is the big 3-0 and I want to hit it running, perhaps literally. Anyway, I got a membership at the Y and went yesterday to check it all out. What a joy! Although I did feel like a moron trying to figure out how all the equiptment works, duh, I got the hang of most of them. I must confess no small amount of pride at the lady who used one machine after me and asked me, "You USED this with this much weight? Man, you are tough!" With my job, I get a lot of exercise and have put on a lot of muscle in the last 3 years. Where I have NOT put on muscle is my abs, which was a ridiculous pitiful sight: me trying to use the ab cruncher machine. There I have it set to 5 whole pounds, and can't even get the thing to move. Not a centimeter. Well, it turned out I wasn't doing it right, and once the guy came over to show me how to do it, I got on and got it going. So much for being tough. (Laughing) I amuse me. What a funny, funny girl.

ARGH

After trying to blog, then stopping to call the cops on my stupid neighbors, my blog disappeared into the netherworld twice now and I just can't type anymore.

Stupid redneck neighbors.

So I had a talk with a woman I know the other day about sex. After I mentioned the fact that I'm a bit of a nympho, she asks me how. Like, is there medication she can take that would make her this way, too? Because, she says, her husband is upset that she's rarely in the mood. I tell her my theory on that: RESENTMENT. Guys, listen up. Are you wanting more booty but just not getting it? Try kissing some ass for a few days, the booty will be forthcoming. I don't mean women hold it back on purpose, although some do. Those women are...shall we say...immature. No, I'm talking about a more subconcious thought process here. See, women are different than guys. We don't compartmentalize our emotions. Say what? I'll explain:
Let's say the guy is having a tough week. He comes home, cracks open a beer, watches TV, the younger guys probably play the old PSII....and after chillin for a while, he's ready to hit the sack and get him some booty before sleep.
The girl is also having a tough week. She comes home and cleans up, so she can relax after that. So, she picks up some laundry, makes dinner, serves dinner, cleans up after dinner, and then feels like she can chill out. She watches some TV. She doesn't really have the energy to take a shower even, cause she's too tired by then to shave her legs or even stand there for 2 minutes with water running down her head. She collapses in bed.
Now guy wants some action, she wants to sleep. He's a little more insistant. And whether or not she vocalizes it, or is even aware, the fact is somewhere inside that head of hers she's thinking, "Oh NOW you got all this energy, eh? Where were you when it was time to cook and clean? Screw you, I'm going to sleep."

I can tell you, when I've spent my whole Saturday vaccuming and cleaning and scrubbing a mans crap outta the toliet with bleach, the LAST thing I have on my mind is sex. All I want to do is clean myself, after getting all grimy cleaning the house, then fall into the nice clean sheets. HELL, I've even been annoyed he wants to mess UP the clean new sheets after I finished cleaning the whole house. Like, "Dude! Do you know how long it took me to get all this house clean? Now you wanna stroll in a make a mess? I think not! I just washed these sheets, damn you! Where were you yesterday, huh?"

Back to the ass kissing. Guys, if you just DO some of that stuff FOR her, she wouldn't be so TIRED and RESENTFUL and might have time to take a shower and breathe. What the hell, it can't hurt.

Sat here for 5 hours tonight, watching blackout coverage from New York. Yah, they mostly repeated stuff over and over and over again- but every once in a while they would throw in a juicy morsel about strangers befriending each other. That was 90% of why I was watching. The other 10% was to see what happened.

Ah, New Yorkers. You make me want to visit your scary crowded city.

No, seriously.

"Where's the love?" It seems to be in NY.

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

Aw darn it. Cut and paste it.

I rated a 44.57594%

http://www.innergeek.us/geek.html

I decided today (while listening to 50 Cent, go figure!) that wealth is for me. I don't mean this in a greedy gotta have the bling-bling way, just Wealth...Is For Me. Money and I should become great friends, and I will be nice to it and treat it well. It, in turn, will treat me well. Do not mistake my frivolity for lack of conviction. I am a willful bitch. I can move mountains. I can also become rich.

Now all I have to do is figure out how. It can't be by any way I am morally opposed to. That isn't my way. The Middle Path, by peaceful means....so it's on the back burner, simmering away. Simmering away...

Thinking again about the ex-turned-heroin-addict. Let me be clear, this name is not fair to him, nor does it mange to convey in any way shape or form the incredible relationship we had BEFORE he discovered heroin. But sinse I am unwilling to put his name online, this is a memorable way to remind you of whom I speak. It's not just him, I refuse to put anyones name on here. I may be an opinionated bitch, but a gossip I am not. I suppose you could figure out who these people are, if you...oh, say....fancied yourself a spy....however the rest of you are not likely to bother, nor care.

Tangent aside, back to the subject.

Thinking again of the ex-turned-H-addict. (I'm not sure what brought it up in my mind today. Usually when I get on a subject it rolls around the back of my mind for awhile, always on the back burner, processing information and subtle nuances without my being conciously aware.) Oh! I know what it was! It was some new song on the radio whose lyrics I mostly have forgotten, but there was a line about not realizing how deeply a wound was, or how deep the pain was or something like that....and I thought of Ex. And how I can still cry over it, and how long ago that was...and how he had gotten a huge tattoo on his chest when we broke up (the first time). When I saw it, I asked him what it was, but he wouldn't tell me. He would only say that it had to do with Us. It was one of those Catholic (?) bleeding heart things, of which I know nothing about. (So many tangents, must concentrate!) Anyway, I thought it bizarre that he would go through all that over us breaking up....looking back, I understand completely. I may not have the ink, but I am just as scarred.
I've often wondered if he sees that tattoo in the mirror and thinks of me. And if so, does he curse me? I wonder if he ever had any idea how it tormented me, too. I wonder if he thinks perhaps I let it go, without a thought, without any pain or regret or agony over the decision? I wonder if it even matters, if he regrets nothing, and never gives me a second thought.
Mostly I wonder why it bothers me so much.

A good example of a Leo's integrity:

I tried to sleep in this morning instead of rush off to work. It's not a problem or anything; as long as I get my work done, my boss is fine with it. But instead of having a nice mid morning nap, all I dream about is being late to work and stressing out about it.


Ugh.

To the creators of The Yellow Book commercials:

You have created one more commercial that insults my intelligence. You annoy me daily. Your phone book sucks. Go away.

For those of you who haven't seen it, they act like they are BellSouth phone book distributors who are in big trouble because everyone keeps taking Yellowbook instead of the BellSouth phonebook. Not only is the commercial stupid, the Yellowbook phone book sucks. All around this is an egg suckin commercial. 30 seconds of my life that could be better spent picking my nose.

I had a bizarre dream last night/early this morning.

I dreamed I was going to help someone deal heroin. I was the middleman, and someone was going to get me some so I could sell it to someone else. The person who was getting it for me told me they had "quite a deal for me" because somehow they managed to get a whole huge pile of it (in my dream it looked like a bag of cocaine, although I haven't the faintest idea what heroin looks like- it could be globs, like hashish for all I know) and they handed me this gallon size size Ziploc mostly full of it. I stuff it in my shirt and take it home. (In the dream I am not me, or at least I am not a mom living at home with my kid, I live with housemates and we're in college maybe?) I just stick in the closet and don't think much about it until I find one of my housemates has stolen a pile of it and has all this paraphanilia in her drawer and I realize I have to hide it better, because apparently she's all strung out on it. So I end up hiding it in the insulation in my attic (upon awaking I think thats a pretty good hiding spot, I have to congratulate my dream-self).
I remember at one point asking someone what it felt like to do it, and her response was like watching a commercial. She said she didn't shoot it, she snorted it and then I saw things like she did, and felt it too, like watching a commercial, a bizarre fucked up commercial for heroin. She said it made her happy, and I watched her go into a bank and it was just lovely, everything was just lovely, a wonderful stressfree existence. And I thought how nice that would be and that I had a huge bag of it, I could keep it all to myself and that would last me a good long while....and then I thought of my ex boyfriend(who did H) that suddenly stopped talking to me for over a month and he never noticed the time had passed...and I thought about me doing heroin and leaving my son at school, and not remembering to pick him up, and him standing there crying, all alone, wondering where I was and me never noticing...and I decided I would never touch it.

I woke up hearing my son calling, "Mommy!" from the living room, he had gotten up early and wandered into the living room by himself.

I find that dream to be terribly disturbing on two fronts: one, that I would consider doing heroin, even in a dream. Am I so stressed out this would ever seem like a good idea, even in my subconcious? Because if so, I need to see a shrink. And two, the fact that I would think back to the boyfriend that did heroin, and no matter how much time passes, I realize how traumatizing that was for me. And again, apparently I need a shrink.

So what I've learned from this dream analysis is: I need a shrink.

I already knew that.

And the insulation in the attic is a really ingenious hiding place!

I saw a picture of L.L. Cool J in the paper this morning, and once again I caught myself wondering, How in the world did Ben Affleck get voted the sexiest man alive?

I mean, who voted?

Have they not seen L.L. Cool J?

Are they perhaps all blind?

I saw him (L.L.) do an interview one night (on what show I forget) and he had on glasses, and my toes curled right up. Even if he wasn't so mind numbingly built, he's cute as hell.

But Ben Affleck?
Please.
Or as we said in the early 80's, GAG ME WITH A SPOON.

Every once in a while I like to go to a web cam that shows the skyline for Detroit. And today it came up, and I was immedietely homesick.

It's possible members of my family are dying. I feel a strong need to be there. But...I can't just move there. I mean, I would lose my job, for one. My son would have to transfer schools. Oh, I know, people move all the time. I'm just not one of those people. And I would hate to lose my job...I do have a seriously cool job.

It's just so weird to me, because I never felt the need to be there before. Not whhen I lived there, not when I moved here. And the fact that I have this great longing gives me pause to wonder if I am foretelling something. Wouldn't be the first time.

And it reminds me again that I have little for a network here. You know, friends, family, a bowling league, whatever.

I want my life to change.

Went to the pool. Going to the apartment complex pool is always kind of a crap game you take your chances with. This was a bad hand we got dealt today, for sure.

Some redneck looking woman with a blond dye job from hell is there, with her 3 spawn. I would call them children but I'm not sure I want to include these hellions in the same species. They splashed each other, my son, and even me when I got in. The 8 year old girl kept doing cannonballs into the pool a mere 12 inches from my sons head (she did this to everyone else also). Every time she did it, she screamed like a freakin banshee, at the top of her lungs, and then splashed her brothers (both 5) who also screamed like banshees. While their redneck "parent" sat there and chain smoked, she made little comment about their behavior, only really getting on them if they RAN across the pavement without their shoes on. She had no problem with them running on wet pavement, just not barefoot, mind you. And that girl was just a vicious evil little thing, tormenting her brothers and just being a bitch. One time I actually had to bust out laughing because she wanted her brother to play some game with her (which involved splashing him in the face repeatedly) and when he said he didn't want to play she got right up in his face and pointed her finger in his face and yelled, "Oh yah?! Well you're OUT the rest of the game!!!" ...but he didn't want to play? So....whats your point?

This went on for 2 hours. I was livid, but determined to wait her out and at least get to enjoy a molecule of my day at the pool after she left.

Finally she left, and it was like heaven, so quiet, the wind on my skin, ahhhhhh. Well worth the wait.

Are some people really that clueless? Sad.

Had a lovely moment today. I came out of Wal Mart to see some kids had set up a car wash in the parking lot across the steet. Being a sucker for good intentions, I pull in. As I wait to see who I give my donation to, I realize the kids near the street are yelling, "Free car wash! Totally free carwash! No donations!" And the kids usher me over to the free donuts and soda and I ask one of the older kids, "Whats going on? You aren't taking donations? So why are you doing this?" And he tells me, "We're a church group and we were discussing how to show Gods love for people, and this is one of the ways we came up with, to show the people of Asheville that God loves them and so do we." And he was just the nicest kid, they all were. Ok, so they didn't do a good job washing my truck, but it choked me up just the same.

So gosh darn special!

The other day I was VERY cranky, very cranky indeed. And I kept flipping through CD's, trying to find something to pull me out of my funk. Usually Weird Al does, but this wasn't cuttin' it. FLip, flip, flip.....AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Turned out all I need was Black Sabbath's Paranoid album. I had Faeiries Wear Boots going full blast and couldn't have been happier.

"So I went to the doctor to see what he could give me......he said, "Son, son, you've gone too far! Cause smoking and trippin is all that you do...." "- Black Sabbath

Hmmmph.

So I'm explaining to His Spoiled Highness about the Star Wars kid and his video, and he thinks it's very unexciting. For those of you who need explaining, it's not the video thats exciting. Its the fact that 26,700 people have stood up for him. Remember all those horrible moments as a kid where you were humiliated about something? Now imagine it being online and 26,700 people cheering you on.

I have decided that Bele Chere will be referred to forever more as Hell Chere.

And so, it is. And it is good.

I know crap is not holy, but Holy Crap!

Sinse last I blogged (23 minutes ago) this kid has gotten over 400 more signatures on this petition! Go! Sign!

www.jedimaster.net

Ghyslain, I only hope you can lift up your head and ride the wave, baby.

WOW!

I was perusing Urban Legends online, and came across an (real) article about a kid from Quebec. Apparently this kid was in a video class or some such, and video taped himself fighting an imaginary light saber battle. For those of you magically unaware, I am a HUGE FREAKIN Star Wars fan. SO this kid shoots this video of himself (with a broomstick for a light saber) and his evil little friends decide to put the video online. Well about 10 million people have now downloaded this video, and being as how the world is full of stupid people, a lot of them made fun of him. Poor guy is so embarrassed (I mean, he's 15!!! What isn't humilating at 15?) that he's dropped out of school and is seeing a shrink, and his parents are suing the parents of the kids who put the clip online in the first place (which I think is excessive but then I'm not in their shoes).

NOW, there is a petition being signed (your truly signed it already, yes indeed) to make up for this poor kids humiliation: ask Lucas to put him in Episode III.
I want to be humiliated, too and be in III, but such is life.

Wanna sign?


www.jedimaster.net

A Leo without integrity is broken.

Sometimes I think of my boyfriend with a giddyness that borders on insanity. Other times I look at him and think he is the most spoiled bitch I've ever met.