After a vast period of introspection today, I've decided I'm sick of me. I am so pissed off at me, and therein lies my problem. No wonder I'm so grouchy.

My mom was right: I'm wasting my potential. Damn her for being right all those years! And damn me for not doing anything about it before now.

The question is: now what?

Well, after reading THIS I think I'd better quit drinking caffeine and start taking LSD in the morning instead.



http://www.missblackwidow.com/drugs.html

The other day, while cooking, I was thinking about what it would be like to try to cook dinner in space, you know, no gravity? And I decided I am very pro gravity. Gravity is A-OK with me. Besides, it keeps all my laundry in a pile, instead of floating around the room.

Ok, ok, in the process of counting my blessings I went a little overboard.

Also, I am glad to not be poor anymore. While my b/f and I were cooking dinner, I turned to him and said, "You know what? It's awesome to have money. I remember eating ramen noodles, and that sucked!" And he laughed and said, "I remember fighting over little packets of mustard!" (Lynn, are you listening?)

Life is good. So is gravity.

Examining my unhappiness today and made a discovery: High on my list of things to do seems to be self-sabatoge. Well now, that certainly doesn't belong there. Yup...I reckon I'll have to get rid of that.

(in the process)
I am so annoyed, I just want to be left alone. Ok, its a full moon in Cancer, and I have massive amounts of Cancer in my chart. Thats no excuse for me to act like an asshole. So I sit here an ponder what my problem is. Why do I want to be alone? It seems being with the people I love would be awfully nice, so why fight it? It's like I want to be inside my own head, and everytime someone talks to me they're interupting me (although, yes I know they aren't listening to me talk to myself, that would be, mmmm, crazy? Or psychic. Which would help, cause then they could hear all my psyco babble and do the right thing, which is to back away slowly while muttering something about escape).

I'm thinking there is a very simple answer to my problem, such as , "Fuhgedaboudit!" but then my son just keeps ANNOYING ME. I think about how nice it would be to have a gerbil wheel to stick him on, where he can burn off some of that energy, then I think I am really a crappy parent to be so lame and uninvolved. I think I could just buy him a new video game or something then he would shut up for the day, and then the thundercloud of guilt arrives over my head immedietely after such a thought. So I'm sitting here trying to think of something fun for us to do....maybe miniature golf. Something. Hell, maybe just the pool would be enough fun/versus energy to wear him out/make me feel like not such a lame mom. I want to have fun today. I want to be involved and enjoy today. So why do I feel like such an annoyed recluse? And how do I fix it?

I've discovered another pet peeve: Insinuated guilt.
I stopped in at a coffee shop and got a carrot juice. As I left, the flirty waiter said, "So I'll see you tomorrow?" And I said, "Uh, maybe..." and shrugged. And he responds with, "Oh fine, be like that !" with a fake sneer, and laughs. I cocked an eyebrow at him and left.
I really wanted to say, "Ok, I will!" I mean, whats the guilt trip? I understand he wants to flirt or whatever, but thats not my problem, and insinuating I should feel bad for not pandering to him just pisses me off.

This is not the first time someone has done this bizarre guilt trip thing to me. And there are times it's acceptable, but not with strangers. Or maybe I'm just easily irritated. Also possible.

My boyfriend works at a restaurant downtown. Today they found out a frequent well loved customer was murdered this morning. Worse, one of the guys working there was this guys best friend. Far worse, this man has two children, who are now fatherless.

As an outsider who neither knew nor loved this man, I am at a loss how to respond. I am very sad, but my sorrow is abstract, and my boyfriends sorrow is very direct and tangible to me. While I can be emotionally strong for him, the gap between us is wide (in terms of the emotional experience).

And I wonder, what would go through that mans mind (the murderer)? He shot the man over the loss of his ex wife (now dating the murdered man) and then shot himself. What did he hope to accomplish? She couldn't return to him, nor would murdering the man she was with help his status any....oh. He wanted her to feel his loss. Thats a fucked up plea for empathy, and a wretched and insane case of self pity.

I'm not sure if I beleive in hell, but right now I don't know where else he would go.

Pray for his children (in whatever way you believe). They need some love.

Spraypainted on a trash can nearby:

"Yeti vrs bear."

Hmmmm.

I never cease to amuse me.
In my quest for dental happiness, I have sought out a new dentist. I must have my wisdom teeth pulled. And while part of me (namely, one would presume, a tooth or four) is fighting this idea, the remaining parts are siding with logic on this one, and are ready to have it done.
Ok, so I go in today and have all my X rays done, and set up an appt to get my wisdom teeth out. I come home and my boyfriends friend asks me who I am going to, and I tell him. "Whoa......", he says to me, and tells me I have managed to pick the one dentist in town who had his liscense taken away a few years back for molesting patients while they where under anesthesia. He now has his liscense back. Well isn't that dandy. Needless to say, he will not be pulling out my teeth in two weeks, so it looks like I'm finding a new dentist.
I find this amusing, sinse I really would rather not see a dentist ever again, and perhaps my teeth would be magically happy without one. Alas, such is not the case, but I seemed to have found a really interesting and scandalous tactic to stall a while longer. Good going, brain (rolling eyes).

I mean seriously, what are the odds?
Ugh.

HULK SMASH!!!!

Yesterday my son informs me that his socks "feel like fluffy bunnies are chewing on my feet". Uuhh....I don't know. All I could think of was that all those drugs I did way back when have just caught up with me. He, meanwhile, laughed uproariously.

Kids.

Got the new Weird Al CD. Go out and buy it today. Whats that? You wouldn't listen to Weird Al, and you think I'm a dork? Thats Ok. You have no sense of humor and take yourself way too seriously. Get your head out of your own butt and take a listen. It's far more fun to laugh then it is to sit around sipping coffee looking deep, ok?

I'm convinced, if one wants to become enlightened, you must laugh. You must not sit about being condescending and pretentious. All you will do then is spread your suckyness around, and make other people doubt their own light. Which is their lesson to learn, granted, but thats not the point. Laugh you stupid jerks, laugh. It feels good. Be silly. Do it.

Here in the South, there are many Nascar fans. And much like the Confederate Flag Dumbass Approaching Waning System, I have learned that 95% of the people with Nascar stickers on their vehicles have delusions of racing grandeur. In other words, when I see a Nascar sticker now, I know to be careful: Asshole Driver On The Road. Be careful people.

Another day spent working on assembling the puzzle of my motivations.

Had a lot of food cravings, as always when entering a diet. But this time is different; instead of "fighting" the cravings, I released them. Meaning, every time I wanted something (usually the oh so addictive M&M's) I decided to tell myself it was ok to let go of them. It was ok to let go of the need to eat. (Within reason, of course!!!)
And (as my days seem to go lately) discovery followed: it's easier to give up food (or any vice) when I conciously choose to release it, instead of fighting the cravings. When it's a fight, I get tired, I give in, then I beat myself up. But this way is so much more gentle.

And weirdly, now that I have attached over eating to emotional pain, I can intellectualize it, which somehow helps. Like, now that I associate pigging out with freaking out, I can say to myself, "I don't want to stuff my face, that would only hurt me more, it's better I let go of the pain that is causing this need to eat." And somehow it works. Of course, I say that with a house void of M&M's (laughing)!

And today it dawned on me that I finally am beginning to understand all these Buddhist teachings I've read for years. I have many times read about letting go, and never really understood what that meant. I have always struggled, and never knew any other way, Can some things just be easy? What a dumbfounding concept.

Another thought today was about an ex friend, and how upset I am that she is still angry, We were friends many years ago and sinse then I have come to terms with my own butt headedness and apologized. She, in turn, never acknowledged my apology at all until I managed to piss her off again, at which point she sends me a seething e-mail about what a jerk I am. And I realize now that is the way it is, and it's time to just let it go. It bothers me, on a very basic level to know there is someone on the planet who really dislikes me so much. But I also realize that it hasn't changed. Although I think I have grown enough to swallow my own pride and try to mend things between us, she obviously doesn't feel the same way, or she would have answered my apology long before she did (sarcastically).
What should I do now, I think to myself...and today I realized the answer....nothing. I do nothing. I let go of the expectation I had about us ever being freinds and accept things for what they are. Maybe things will be different someday, but right now they aren't, and that is all I have to really acknowledge- the present moment. So there it is. And I feel relieved, and wonder:
Why didn't I ever figure out this letting go thing earlier?
I mean, I did a little, here and there. My ex has been far more tolerable sinse I let go of any hopes for him to become a decent human. If he does, fabulous. If he doesn't, well I certainly won't get tied up in knots about it, sinse I am now unattached to the outcome. I still find it dissapointing, but as an observer- the dissapppointment is no longer devastatingly personal.

"...fare thee well now, let your life proceed by it's own design
nothing to tell now, let the words be yours, I'm done with mine...." - The Grateful Dead

More on the search for inner peace:

Today I decided I have to lick this over eating thing. So as soon as I got the overwhelming urge to stuff my face, I immedietely sat down. Looked out a window. Stared at the clouds. It occurs to me, I have been staring at clouds a lot lately. It also dawns on me that there have been many times I pondered life and thought how much better my life would be if I would only stare at the clouds more often.
So, that is what I did. And I sat there in my own deep la-la land, thinking WHY do I want to stuff food down my throat? Why do I want to stuff anything inside? What do I...not want to let go of? Why must I feel continuously full? And what I came up with was this:
I am in the process of change, inner change, rapid change, and major change. I feel like...the caterpillar metamorphasizing into the butterfly....and its beautiful, I will be light, I will finally be able to fly....and change is scary. If I can stuff myself enough, I won't be able to fly (using the metaphore).
How can I stop doing this to myself? I decided to view fat as painful emotional baggage. I don't need to stuff myself, and I don't need to drastically starve myself either. I just need to recognize it for what it is, and let it go.
The old phrase, Let Go And Let God would be apt here.

Can I possibly express the magic I found in this moment?

Sometimes I don't need to do anything, just see things for what they are and then let go.
How liberating.

And also I wonder: If each person has an angel (and I think we do), what happens in a crowd? When people gather together in times of joy? Of despair? Of fun? Another one of those weird images in my head I want to put into film somehow:

The image of a stadium, filled with people. And above each and every person is an angel.
Crowded New York street, with people and angels above, going every which way.
Driving down the road, I have always imagined an angel above my car.

What got me thinking about this: yesterday I was driving down the highway and an ambulance came roaring by, going the opposite direction. And as it got closer, I could sense the dire circumstance, the incredible emotion, the trauma...and I saw it, like when you have two pictures on the same spot of film, superimposed on the other: multiple angels with the ambulance.

That superimposed picture is what I meant (in an earlier blog) about having one foot in this plane and one in the astral plane.

Let me be clear: the angels I see don't look much like the ones I see in hokey e-mails and cards and such. I've always thought my angel has black feathers on the outside (think:raven), and is foreboding. As if he stands behind me, with his wings folded around me. And inside, the feathers are a dazzling downy white, so bright it envelops everything in a near blinding white haze. I don't often see him, but I feel his presense. And baby, it is intense.

I'm not sure whats happening to me lately, but I like it. I feel a surge in spirituality, a greater awareness. I'm fairly certain this is because I have been actively seeking (as opposed to passively noticing).

But I'm not so sure I can explain the feeling I have. Um...I am noticing more things, seeing the bigger picture, feeling more joy. At the same time, I am starting to overeat, like a maniac. This baffles and confuses me. Usually overeating (for me) signifies depression. Also, I have been so tired; another signal of depression. I would like to stuff myself and sleep for long periods of time...but as I think about it...its a need to hibernate. A need to have time to think, to process information, to assimilate and return to the world. I feel like if I could just take a break for a day or two, I could come back feeling refreshed and enthusiastic.

Today I had a lovely/horrible time. We went to TN to visit my b/f's great grandmother, and we went with his parents. This means I did NOT have to drive, and I got to look out the window, at the mountains, at the clouds, at the world happening in front of me.I looked....and this is what I saw:

Clouds shifting, different layers of gray, going different directions, reminding me of the ever changing form of life.
Jagged steep mountains, representing adversity and challenges,
covered in deep forests, reminding me of growth and the never ending cycle of rebirth.
Houses and businesses in the midst of it all, showing me us wee humans have our place
as caretakers, as stewards, and workers.
And suddenly, the overwhelmed feeling I have been having towards life slipped away, as I saw the big picture....as one of the humans, walking around, doing my job, keeping things running for the ease and swiftness of us all to keep going, to live, to survive, and to strive to THRIVE.

Am I able to describe this emotion so you, gentle reader, can grasp the feeling I have? I feel what I gained today was a sense of perspective, and that changes everything! (laughing)

There is something powerfully grounding about driving through the backwoods of Tennessee, listening to country music, looking at all the ramshackle houses, and seeing good old mountian folk out in the fields, in their yards, under the hood of their cars, working, working working. What I saw was right. What I didn't see was my feeling of stress and exhaustion and inertia, and the reality that creates. Which is not to say one of those houses didn't have that, maybe (smiling) in the pile of freakin trash lying in the yard....(snort). But this feeling was different....higher. Bigger, somehow.

There were trailers near beautiful homes, and somehow it made sense all of a sudden. Instead of seeing it as good or bad, rich or poor, it became all cogs in the wheels, all parts of the time line, all parts of the same whole.

I have so many ideas for art projects. What I lack is the ability to pull them off. Things involving digital video, overlaying images. Creating imagery to show people the world as I see it. That would be a lovely bit of catharsis, as is BLOG. Good old blog. Love the blog.

latest bumper stickers of note:

Use Condom Sense

and quite possibly my new favorite:

Inquire Within

Laughed hilariously upon seeing this sign today:

Space For Rent

You know, in case you're having some boundary issues, a little personal space crisis. Need space?
Don't worry, you can rent some!

Much better day today.

In the process of retraining my brain, to live in the present instead of being an overly cranky whiner, I spent the day babbling like an idiot inside my head. No, seriously. Sinse I seem so utterly preoccupied with the past and the future, I decided to over ride the jabberings by silently stating what I saw. "Trees, looking at trees, very green, green of summer, flowers in a field, daisies in the sun, snapdragons...." ~Decided to try poetry thrown in there~ "....cascading down the hill, sunlight on daisies, dappled sun, blowing breezes...." Todays discovery: It's really hard to be pissed off while doing this exercise. I thought it would be fun to write haiku about every day things, although composing haiku while in traffic may not be entirely safe, but I thought maybe fake haiku (in other words, haiku-like but not in precise form) would do, just for a bit more poetic licence.
Speeding to stoplight, redneck
revs engine and screeches to stop
repeatedely he does this
looks like idiot, to me
impressing himself, I am certain
whatever makes his weenie look bigger

And in the process of forcing myself to list the things I saw, I actually noticed more things, happy things, nice things. Like the bags of orange trash on the side of the road (it must have taken someone quite some time to do that, how very nice of them, yes I realize its probably inmates, but thats a lot of hard work in the blazing sun, and it looks so nice).

Gee, is this how normal people manage to feel so much joy? Ok, I realize normal people don't drive down the highway Saying, "Green trees, green trees, so healthy so lush, beautiful healthy trees, poppy flowers, so many colors, vibrant red, sunshine yellow......" But a long time cynical jabber brain addict has to take baby steps people, baby steps....

Yet another grouchy pisssed off over worked stressed out day. I think I need a vacation. The problem is, I'm not sure what I would find relaxing. The last few vacations I've taken were ANYTHING but relaxing. And taking time off to come back and be more stressed out than when I left seems fruitless.
So in pondering what I would find relaxing, I have made an interesting discovery. The most relaxing thing I can imagine would be:

~~~~~~~~~TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT~~~~~~~~~~

Should I manage to not live in the pain of past memories, nor live in the fear of change in the future, I would find that very few of my present moments are actually so stressful in the moment they occur. And thus I would not be so high strung and freaked out, because most of my current moments are just peachy.
I spend way too much time thinking about how people have pissed me off, or pondering how I would respond should they piss me off in the future.

Now granted, while on a vacation, I may manage to pull the thing out of my butt that crawled up there and died (eeewwwww). But without solving my brain-dilema, my ability to keep that relaxed frame of mind would be fleeting.

I've been trying to spend more time doing things for the sheer joy of it, which is not something my A type personality is accustomed to. I tend to think, if I could just do 50 thousand things, I could get caught up and then have time to relax. If I can just finish my insanely long and ever lengthening list of things to do, perhaps I could carve out a few minutes to chill. I know it makes no sense. For some reason, its how my brain runs on default.

I'm working hard to reprogram it.

So in the process of figuring out how to enjoy a vacation, I have hit upon the very answer to live more peacefully every day.

Now the question: How do I stay in the present moment?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The universe is funny. As I just got up to look for my little book of Buddhist qoutes, thinking perhaps I could find some poignant little morsel, I couldn't find it. As I looked through various little piles of things I need to look over, I heard a voice in my head say, "Simplify." Thats my answer.

I never have been able to understand how some people think God has no sense of humor.

Spent a lovely day at the pool. Oh, How I love the water!

Leaning back, feeling the sun on my skin, the water evaporating, I watched the clouds form up, dissapate and roll by. The clouds only a hot summer day can create, thick, heavy, full of thunder, full of danger, beautiful. As the lower and higher wind patterns shifted, it was like looking at a kaliedoscope of whites and grays, as different layers shifted into different directions, merging blending pulling apart. Very trippy. Absolutely gorgeous to behold.

And as I lay there gazing I thought, "It's like looking at God in motion."

And then wondered....what is more God-like? The clouds themselves? Or the ability to see them and marvel?

Is spirituality in nature, or within our own hearts, to see the wonders and behold their magnificence in amazement, like little children?

late night babbling rough draft, to be edited later:


had some crazy dream last night/this morning.
Very strange.
Something about some girl who I sensed was evil and followed her through the crowd, then lassoed her with some wire she was using to trap people. I saw she was using the wire and brace myself for a battle. I looked at her and told her something about how wire was my strength or forte or something, and then yanked the wire and swung it at around her, over and over until it choked her, boa constricter style. I find out she's the person who killed Jason (a kid I went to school with who is still alive as far as I know) I see pictures on the walls of kids who went to school with him (which would be me, but I'm not in the pics?!?!) And I realize the horror these kids experienced and feel proud I killed her, only to find out I didn't, I thought she was dead, but later in the dream it turns out she's not, and shes about to go on a rampage (I sense this building). One older lady goes into the basement of the building we're in and I know, she's about to get it. Like in a horror movie (which I don't watch sinse my imagination tend to get the best of me) when the gore is about to start. I see a little boy and know this is his grandmother, and he is hurt and needs a band aid. I take him upstairs, because for some reason I know it is too late for the woman. I hold him on my lap and then climb up to the third floor. I think getting farther away from her evil feels better and we should pack and leave, go far away, but somehow her evil could get into what we pack and we would bring her with us. We should just leave everything. Then the little boy looks like my son. I wake up......and decide to just get up. I don't even want to go back to sleep, for fear I would see what happened next.

This dream has the good versus evil theme that has been a apart of my life, ever sinse my brother was a Satanist. That is another story, to be added in later

Pretty Mangled Self

Pissy, Mostly Sadistic

Perturbed, Morbidly Sad

Powerful Monsterous Sarcasm

Shall I go on?
I think you see where this is going, eh?

bumper sticker update: United We Stand. But this one didn't have the American flag, it had a picture of the Earth.

I fell asleep with the TV on last night. In the middle of the night, I awoke to some documentary about Bruce Lee, and it was fascinating. While all I remembered was some testosterone filled karate show my older brother loved, I have apparently underestimated Bruce Lee. So much of his life was about enlightenment and his quest for it, and his quest to bring it to the masses...

I must learn more about him.

Being the Plant Lady, I have been horribly frustrated that I can't get my Christmas cactus to bloom (it's bloomed once in 3 years!). My African violets have been similarly frustrating. Suddenly they're all blooming at once and it's almost a bummer, cause I can't really savor any of them while they all go nuts at once. It's overwhelming, in a lovely way. But as I sat here looking at the cactus, I thought.....it's far more magical this way. Looking at the buds every day...waiting to see when they'll open.....will it be today?

It reminds me of the rose in the story "The Little Prince"...
So coy, my cactus is! Each petal must be perfectly arranged just so, before presenting itself for my admiration.

If it bloomed over and over it wouldn't be nearly so exciting.

Had a Craptacular day today. Came home just about foaming at the mouth and decided to drop everything and go jump in the pool. So, my son and I throw on bathing suits and go swimming. It's freezing cold. It feels awesome. I decide this Cold Water Torture thing has theraputic benefits for Craptacular Days.

Whooda thunk?

Started thinking about a friend of mine today, and how she blew me off. We became friends while she was dating my ex. Then when they broke up, she decided she didn't want to be reminded of him anymore, and told me point blank, " I think we shouldn't hang out for a while. I'm trying not to think about (him) and you remind me of him. Sorry."

Now, what I heard was, "I want to live in my own imaginary world where I don't have to deal with the consequences of my choices, and sinse you remind me of those choices, I have decided that your friendship is not as important as my lack of reality."

And I think back to when the ex and I broke up and how I moved to another city so I wouldn't be reminded of him.....but still was anyway. And how I rarely talked to my friends there anymore....and wonder if I blew them off. But....they never really called me either (my true friends are like me in that sense) and I most certainly never told them I didn't want to hang out with them anymore!

bumper sticker update: Jesus wouldn't like war. You moron.

There's a little girl at my sons kindergarten class whose mother dresses her like a little diva. She pranced on in last week and I scoped out her outfit and turned to the teacher and said, "Well! I feel horribly under-dressed all of a sudden!" And we laughed. But the more I thought about it, it freaked me out. Here's a 5 year old girl, and granted she did look Superfly! But what can a 5 year old do in 2 1/2 inch mules? Seriously, you've got your 5 year old in high heels, for Gods sake! Playing at recess in those shoes is gonna kinda SUCK, don't you think? And if she's wearing backless halter top sundresses and heels in kindergarten, whats she going to wear 10 years from now? Not to mention the back problems a kid will encounter from wearing heels at 5 years old. Shall I even broach the subject of pedophiles? Or go so far as to wonder how fat this little girl will end up because she isn't out burning calories like other normal little kids. Her mother was large, rather. The teacher quietly said to me, "I have to wonder what kind of issues the parents have to dress their kids this way! I'm going to send a memo home to put your kids in reasonable shoes! I have to! I shouldn't have to!"

No, she shouldn't.
What does that say about the world?
Whatever it is, I am certain it's sad.

I took my son to see Finding Nemo on Saturday. I must say, Thanks Pixar! I needed that. I Iaughed so hard I had to stop myself for fear I would annoy the people around me. That was a most pleasant surprise. I actually want to go see it again, right now. Pixar, I salute you!

I was downtown checking out the hoopla today. They had Eric Rudolph down at the Federal Building or courthouse or whatever. Anyway, I have never seen so many news trucks and satelite dishes ever in my life. Very bizarre. And people kept asking me, "Have you been interviewed yet?" and I said no. I don't know what I would say anyway. I wouldn't want to waste my 4 minutes of fame by babbling on about something I know very little about. I decided (jokingly) if one of those reporters should ask I would say, "The views of a few raving lunatics does not represent those of Asheville or it's citizens." I also realized that the people who DID want to babble on air were mostly idiots, and what a fine image of Asheville THAT would be! Oh well. I saw some guy walk by with a shirt (and matching sign) that said something about "Birth Control Is The Answer To The Worlds Problems" and I thought, Ok. Well then. Bring out the news trucks and they will come.