So many things to ponder, so little brain power to do it with. I sure do like that the TV is now moved into the bedroom. Now I can work on the computer and fall like a lazy blob into bed and watch brainless humor. Why didn't I do that sooner? Being an adult IS pretty cool sometimes.

At the tender young age of 28, I experienced my first earthquake. Nothing much, but weirdly exciting. I woke up at 5 this morning because I thought my boyfriend was having convulsions or something; our bed was shaking. Then I touched him and realized it wasn't him. I looked up at the glass of water next to the bed, thinking, "They always show the glass of water in the movies!" but I drank it all so there wasn't much to see there. I figured I was nuts or something until I got out of bed and realized it wasn't raining like I thought it was.....the sound I could hear was the squirrels in the attic freaking the f*%k out! Then I went, "Whoa..." and knew it wasn't just me and walked around the house to make sure everything was kosher. I laid back down in bed but no longer felt the tremor...and then dreamed of meeting Weird Al and exchanging artistic ideas with him. That, of course, makes perfect sense.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hydroxycut or crack, hmmm...

I keep seeing ads for Hydroxycut, so I decided to investigate (being a gal interested in nutrition and herbal things) and here is what I found, after MUCH seeking:

A single serving of Hydroxycut has as much caffeine as two cups of coffee. The label says you should start week 1 with 3 pills a day (read: 6 cups of coffee a day) then week two take 2 pills 3 times a day (12 cups of coffee) then week 3 and beyond? 3 pills three times a day (24 cups of coffee A DAY).

Oh brilliant, methinks. Why not just smoke crack?

Sometimes being a nympho is really difficult.

Pondering my ego, which seems starved lately. I am whiny and irritated and want attention. Am I really so vain? So silly? Yes.

HOLY MACKERAL!!!!!!

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

Lisence plate I saw today: FSHN4GOD
Of the many sarcastic remarks I could make here, let us simply agree that that plate makes no sense.
So many puns...most hold back.....

The new Hummers are amazing. I liked the old school Hummers, the ones that looked all military. Now they come with leather seats and probably a damn DVD player or whatever. I honestly can't see how people can buy them and think this is in good taste. A lady drove past me in one the other day and I thought, "Wow! Look at you! Totally unashamed of your own ridiculous excess! Roll around in it! Enjoy the stench of wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars and gas on something you will NEVER take off road!"
Today I saw a SUV made by Caddilac. What in the hell is that? Or Lexus? But the Caddy driver could barely see over the steering wheel, which just made it all the more ridiculous.
Who am I to judge?
I'm me, and it's stupid. So there.

I have an abusive ex. It's bizarre to me, because I never thought I would say that. I always thought the women in abusive relationships had to be stupid, I mean, HELLO?!?! He hits you: you leave, what's confusing about that? Then it happened to me and I realized the complexity of the situation. And also, I convinced myself that SURELY that would never happen again. I mean, thats just crazy! Surely the man I love isn't a crazy violent lunatic. So I believed, until he hit me again. Then I started pondering how to leave. And I realized I was afraid. I was afraid of what he might do when I left him. By the time he dragged me across the bed by my hair and threatened to beat the crap out of me, I was over my fear. I told him it was over. He threatened to kill both the dogs, all the cats (3), the horse and himself. I left, I left all my stuff there one morning when I went to work and never went back. I lived in my car for awhile. I didn't tell my friends because I was too embarrassed. He stalked me, at work and eventually on future dates. He finally came to grips, of sorts, and told me he had all my stuff in a storage unit and here's the key, go get your stuff please. Last I heard he had moved to Australia, which isn't far enough if you ask me. My point? I had a dream about him last night and it left me feeling horribly disturbed all day today, like I might run into him at any minute. It's not that I'm afraid of him now- I have become a much stronger woman sinse then and would have no problem kicking his ass into a bloody heap on the sidewalk. So what am I afraid of? I'm afraid he will remind me. Remind me what it was like to be so vulnerable, so afraid, so confused, so hopeless. I'm afraid he'll remind me why I don't trust people, even friends, for at least a year into our friendship, sometimes more. I'm afraid he'll reawaken my RAGE.
I'm afraid this is horribly relevent in my life and I have to figure out what the connection is. Or my sunconcious is going to keep poking me with a big stick.
It is wretched to live in fear of the person you love.

time for meditation.

I must confess I'm glad Easter is over. As a holiday ripe with symbolistic rebirth, I love it. But if I got that e-mail (with the 2 bunnies, one with it's butt chewed off and one with it's ears chewed off) one more time I might go stark raving mad. And I think it further supports my position: if you bite the whole head off first, chocolate bunnies have no way to complain.

It's 4:20
on 4-20
Whoodeefrickindoo

more bumper stickers (all seen on one truck):
Embrace infertility
If you can't feed em, don't breed em
I love animals; they taste delicious
and many more I didn't have time to read.

I have no bumper stickers. The reason being: I have far too many opinions and would need to drive a semi truck to have enough room to stick them all on. But more so, I would rather be mysterious. When I see a car covered in bumper stickers, I usually find I know more about the person driving then I ever cared to know.

And for those of you nowhere near Asheville North Carolina, you may not have heard of the wacky "We Still Pray" bumper sticker "movement". Last year some court or another decided it was unconstitutional to lead public prayers at football games (the reason being when the crowd is told to lower it's collective head and pray, not all those people are Christian). So the Baptists in Asheville went beserk and created the "We Still Pray" movement, which seems to mostly move on the bumpers of cars. At any rate, suddenly "We Still Pray" bumper stickers were seen everywhere and the immediate knee jerk reaction of non-Christians was an array of parody stickers. So far I've seen:
We Still Read
We Still Chant
We Still Meditate
We Still Prey (I beleive a deer hunting club coined that one)
We Still Think
We Still Play
and my personal favorite:
We Still Don't Care
My reason being: the court said you couldn't tell everyone to pray, it never said you couldn't pray. You just can't announce over the loudspeaker that everyone else has to join you in your prayer. You want to pray, feel free.

All that said, I think it's totally bizarre to pray before your loved ones voluntarily smash into each other while wrestling a pigskin ball around the lawn.

A catty moment: going back to the shorts with things printed on the butt (of which I'd seen two horrible examples of yesterday): Both women were too heavy to be sporting short shorts. One was far enough away I couldn't read her shorts. The other one was closer and I got a fine view of her gigantic butt stuffed into her shorts. Hers said "Spoiled" across the butt and I wholeheartedly agreed.

After doing some minor investigating, here's what I found:
The Easter bunny has it's origins in pre-Christian fertility lore. The Hare and the Rabbit were the most fertile animals known and they served as symbols of new life during the Spring season. The bunny as as Easter symbol seems to have it's origins in Germany, where it was first mentioned in German writings in the 1500's. The first edible Easter bunnies were made in Germany during the early 1800's and were made of pastry and sugar. The Easter bunny was introduced to American folklore by German settlers during the 1700's. Children would build their nests in a secluded place, boys using their caps and girls used their bonnets. If they were good children, the "Oschter Haws" would lay a nest of colored eggs.

I figured it was an ancient pagan tradition so thats not surprising. What is amusing is that parents have used bribery as a means to make their children behave sinse the beginning of time, I can guess.
And that still doesn't explain how a bunny lays eggs. Must be the same kinda magic Santa uses to squeeze his fat ass down the chimney.

How did Christ rising from the dead turn into rabbits that poop chocolate eggs?

If you've ever listened to some mainstream musicains who also happen to be gay you may have noticed this: Their music is relevant for heterosexual relationships. Its the same problems, the same joys, the same love....and I think how horrible it must be to be in love, to have the plethora of problems that heterosexuals have, and be condemned for the love you have. As a (mainly) straight girl, I imagine the troubles I have trying to maintain some level of sanity while being crazy in love, then imagine if I were not allowed to make any public displays of it. How absolutely wretched. I hope the homophobes get over it. Maybe we could drop some smart bombs on them. (DUH)

On a gay note: I must be getting old. I was in the store today and some chick walks past me in rather short shorts that say "Lifegaurd" across the butt. And I found myself thinking, "Well I hope this little fashion phase is over soon. I'm tired of things being printed on girls butts." I mean, if I wanted to look at her butt I would, it's just...there are some people whose asses I'd rather not stare at. And having things printed on them kind of forces you into looking.
It's an odd place to advertise. I mean, it used to be printed across the chest. Geez, where are they gonna go from there?

I realized something about Grateful Dead shows: When you take a few thousand people and put them all together in a giant room and stuff them full of psychedelics..strange things occur. I was listening to an album the other day and it was the jam inbetween China Cat Sunflower and I Know You Rider...and it goes on and on...and just as you forget what song you were listening to in the first place it starts building and building into...into what?....and its very suspenseful...and then BLAM the next song starts and the crowd goes NUTS. And I remember that happening at the shows but it never occured to me at the time what that feeling was like.....an orgasm! And ah-ha! The light bulb goes off and I think, "No wonder I loved their shows so much..." And now I have to laugh every time I hear that album, as soon as he says, "I know you rider, gonna miss me when I'm gone..." and everyones screaming and cheering (and having a psychedilic orgasm). "Gonna miss your baby from rollin in your arms...." That always was one of my absolute favorite songs; I always thought it was due to the lyrics themselves having relevence at the time but now I'm not so sure.

I am at last slightly interested in a "reality" show. The latest is a show hosted by Monica Lewinski and involves a gal picking a guy out of many guys....all wearing masks. It's called Mr. Personality. At last something psychologically interesting, not just morbidly stupid. Well, I guess it all depends on how smart the girl is. I'm not holding my breath.

A note on pox: I asked my mom if she knew what it meant, and she said, "Yes, it means a curse." Well, at least I know where I get it from, eh?

Stupid pollen allergy. Why didn't I just suffer through with the face mask and be done with the pollen allergy already? I must like to suffer.

So yesterday is so bad I take Claritan (which seems to be keeping the hives at bay) and then Allavist (trying to rid myself of my ever tightening throat and the pounding in my head), and about 8pm I pass out in bed. At some point my boyfriend wakes me up to tell me my friend Erica is on the phone. In my allergy drug induced haze, I remember being HORRIBLY confused, and the image in my head was that he brought me some strange kitchen appliance in bed and told me it wanted to talk to me. Like, what the hell do I want to talk to the waffle iron for? Thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard of....OOOOoooooooohhhhh, the PHONE.....I see. What about it? I don't need to call anyone. There's someone on it? Who wants to talk to me? Can't they see I'm asleep? Oh? No, I guess they can't. And I say hello and Erica asks me if I was online...and I am more confused. Am I online? I have a phone modem, so I don't think so, sinse I am on the phone....of course, if this is the waffle iron (or maybe toaster oven?) I may be online after all....and I wonder if I am dreaming and maybe I am online but I've fallen asleep in front of the computer and I'm having weird dreams about conversing with kitchen appliances...but then I hear her say, "ARE YOU OK?!?!?" and the emotion is very real and I realize I must be frightening the waffle iron so I tell it I'm sleeping and it seems to understand. So I tell it I love it and it seems ok with that then I fall back asleep and wake up hours later to wonder if my friend thinks I've lost my mind. But then I think, well, she knows me well enough to know I've already lost my mind, and decide to not worry too much about it. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, and I should go to bed. I'll just cuddle up here with the blender and then it's off to nighty nighty land for me....

"Darkness has a hunger thats insatiable, while lightness has a call thats hard to hear.... I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket, and I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it...." -The Indigo Girls

I started a period of retrospect today, and thought, "You've come a long way baby." And every horrible moment and wretched heartbreak and terrible experience I am so grateful for, to be just a little bit older and wiser. And thankful am I, to have not become insanely jaded in the process.

Something I've noticed that should give you hope for humanity: Chemical products now PROUDLY tout that they contain natural ingredients. For example: I'm cleaning my sliding glass door with Windex. The bottle claims, "Now with vinegar!" as if this is an amazing improvement. Some of us are aware that nothing cleans a window better than vinegar and newspaper- and apparently Windex has caught on to this. It's like this: for many years we (as humans) made do with the things around us, then someone came along and invented the chemical version of it. And suddenly people go NUTS, oh how did we ever live before that? And eventually we come around and realize that those natural ways we used to do it with before were actually (gasp) better (in SOME cases). Just something to think about next time your sitting around sick and sucking on your throat lozenges NOW WITH ECHINACEA, rubbing your skin with lotion NOW WITH VITAMINS A, E AND ALOE and brushing your teeth NOW WITH BAKING SODA.

There might be hope for us yet.

Today I was listening to an old Smiths album, and driving through downtown. It's all hip and happening, and I'm jammin out to How Soon Is Now? (one of my all time favorite songs). I drive around the corner and find myself having A Moment: picture this is slow motion, so you can get the real feeling of it: Morrisey is crooning the words, "You shut your mouth, how can you say... I go about things the wrong way?" And I'm looking over at a doorway full of seemingly homeless guys, scraggly, looking as if they're drunkenly arguing over something. And the next line, "I am human and I need to be loved....." and I look across the street at another wretched looking guy who is waiting to cross the street to join the other men. And as I drive past him I get a good close up of his face, his black eye, all busted up from a fight, I'm guessing...and the line, "just like everybody does...." and there was my transcendental moment, where I saw him for who he truly is, like one life force veiwing another life force. "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does...." And my heart was full, aware of no void, lacking nothing.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be enlightened all the time. I think the bridge between being so enlightened and normal people having any idea what you are talking about would be vast. Sometimes I think it's part of my reason for being here; having those moments and being able to express them in a way hopefully other people can also awaken that part of themselves. There's the physical plane and the astral plane. I function best when I have a foot in each. There is my balance.

Today I went into the health food store I used to frequent and felt odd, out of place. So many hippy vegetarians, so much judgement. I used to look like them...I used to act like them. But there were so many fruit cakes trying to be all metaphysical, it pissed me off. They were really total flakes trying to act deep. As I drove away I thought, "I AM cosmic; I've seen a UFO, I've had bizarre astral experiences, I've channeled dead people (oh the e-mail I'm gonna get from this!). I am more authentic than most of these nuts- maybe thats why I don't need to LOOK like it." I think at some point I wanted to blend back in with normal people.

That and I think I can affect more minds in subterfuge. (Laughing) Alienating people does nothing at all but create further seperation. Which is not the point, is it?

Bumper sticker updates:

God is not a Christian. .....both astute and thought provoking.


What would Scooby-Doo? .....ala What Would Jesus Do? This one has me in a fit of laughter. Love those puns.

Yesterday I suddenly discovered I am indeed a geek. During my dog-crap-on-shoe kinda day, I went into one place and was trying to get a damn soda out of the machine. As was befitting a dog-crap-on-shoe kinda day, the stupid machine ate my dollar. Oh, you could see it, mind you, just not pull it out, or get a soda. After about 4 different people oh so nicely tried to get the dollar out, I started laughing. I told them a measely buck ain't worth stressing out about, and actually I had accepted my misfortunous fate already so this was no shock to me. But I was laughing because I decided I must make a sign for this stupid machine or it will eat someone elses dollar. I must warn them. And the sign I made said "A pox has been placed upon this machine!" and taped it over the dollar slot. And a few people read the sign and didn't laugh. I couldn't see why, I thought it pretty clever, myself. Finally one woman asked, "So...what is a pox?" And I said, "A curse, you know, Shakespeare?" And another woman started laughing and said, "We're engineers! You overestimate us. Ha! Shakespeare!" And I was truly baffled. This isn't mainstream? I asked the others in the room...nope, no one had any idea. I looked it up, and the meaning is listed last as:
ARCHAIC: Misfortune and calamity.

Archaic?

What mean yea, this word nary pass the lips of the commoners?

Seriously, do I have to dumb it down? I don't think I'm that smart. This really threw me. I ask my boyfriend if he knows what it means, he says, "A curse?" And I say, "YES! See? It's not just me!" And he says, "Yah, but I guessed just because I know you." Which I find also confusing.

But I have decided to be content with the fact that someone knows me. Thank goodness for that.

It snowed all of a sudden today. And after spending 3 1/2 hours trying to drive 10 miles home....I am so glad. After yesterdays dog-crap-on-my-shoe day, I welcome being home, with a damn good excuse to not be at work.

I grew up in the metro Detroit area. There was (still is) a large Iraqi American community there. I see on the Detroit news a group of at least 100 has actually taken to the streets in an impromptu parade, to celebrate the fall of Sadam in Bahgdad. I went to school with a lot of these people. It's kinda special to me.

More thoughts on war:

We (meaning the U.S.) may have given Iraq weapons, we may have given them chemical weapons, we may have armed them to the teeth. We may well be guilty of all of these things. But we didn't train them on the joy of torturing people...this came from their own blackened hearts. Arming them was stupid. Torturing people is evil.

There is a huge difference.

I am thus far finding today to be an annoying pile of dog crap stuck to my shoe. I am cranky. I am irritable. Hormones are a bitch. Today had better work harder to impress me or I'm going back to bed. I know, guys likely don't understand...well, maybe. But I know any women reading this know this feeling all too well.

After reading this:

www.rehberg.net/arming-iraq.html

I am more baffled than ever. The possibility I will ever know the truth dwindles smaller every day. Even in retrospect it's a slim chance, as most of us know history is written to suit The Suits (hence my doubt of the Bible). So....now I wonder why we bomb the people we gave bombs too. Or chemical warfare...or whatever. Are all people insane? Or just the ones running the government? Shall I blow my head off now in a fit of futility? Or accept my uneducated fate and drudge along through life, happy in my ridiculous uninformed state of stupidity? Or perhaps march on Washington, one of millions of squeeking mice causing a squeeky ruckus, affecting nothing at all?

Being clueless pisses me off. I'm willing to bet that knowing the truth would piss me off more.

This morning I'm flipping through new channels and finally end up watching and old episode of "Happy Days" (yes, I realize the clarification of "old" was redundant). Anyway, some dork named Melvin is asking the Fonz for advice on girls and the Fonz informs him that "when girls say no, they don't always mean no" and "when a girl says she's going to call the cops, she means she's going to call the cops!" And I thought.....Dear God, no wonder so many women get raped. If this mind set is so prevalent that it's actually in main stream media, we're all screwed. Whether we like it or not, apparently.

Won Spider Solitaire in 95 moves again. It's amazing the things we folks with dial up will do while we wait for things to download.

"We must demand more, not from each other, but more from ourselves...." -Jewel

And an update on the sugar crisis (the news is so sensational lately I couldn't rightly use "update" without "crisis" in the same sentence, now could I?):
I can indeed eat it. Today I had some and by late afternoon I felt like someone had run me over with a truck. At first I was crestfallen, thinking OH NO IT'S ALL A LOVELY DREAM, until I realized part of my bodily anguish involved my sinuses, like someone crammed my nose with rubber cement. And then I said OOOOOOOOOOOH because I realized our pollen count is astronomical right now. Like, you can park your nice clean car outside and go inside, come back out in an hour and actually SEE the yellow dust that has covered your car. Drive down the highway at 70 mph and it's still there, oh yes it ain't leavin, nosiree. Leave your car out for a whole day? You will have to CLEAN the windows to get that yellow funk off it. To merely SEE. Whats my rambling point? The pollen allergy I have not been treated for, and it's sucking bad. But the sugar doesn't bother me. And that is no small miracle my friends, no small miracle indeed. I've eaten sugar in front of friends I've known for years, who just stared while watching me eat it while saying, "Whoooooooaaaaaaa" like I stuck a scorpion down my throat. They KNOW. They've seen me suffer. And they're just as amazed. More details forthcoming. I will break in during regular programming with any important updates during the ongoing allergy crisis.

Ok I'm over it. Hard to stay mad at someone you love. When they show you their new "Masters Of The Universe" shirt like it's Christmas morning and they just won the lottery, too. I mean, it's just so darn DORKY.


SO....
I've been giving great weighty thought to WAR. And Sadam and his whole regime. And the fact that I have now heard Bush say "regime" so many times I feel I can use it without sounding like a total moron. Here are my current feelings: If the information I have received is correct, if the news I have heard is indeed correct and not a spin doctored web of lies, in particular the part about Iraqs military going into peoples houses and demanding at gunpoint that the men (children included, you got a weenie, lets go) join the army and fight....and women and children being used as human sheilds....and even them using a mosque as cover (I mean, come on! Which our guys did NOT shoot at, by the way)....if people fleeing these towns are being told to turn around or be shot (what human sheild would they have without them?)...if these things are true.....I AM ALL ABOUT A WAR. This is to say, if the Iraqi regime is indeed doing these things, fuck em. It's time to go kick some ass. A big ole can of whoop ass is long overdue. I realize that innocent people may die in the process....but innocent people are dying every day at the hands of their own military. And if the rest of the world has a problem with it and can not grasp the Hitler In Waiting that is occuring there, well, tough shit for them. Doing the right thing doesn't always make you friends. Usually in retrospect people realize you were right, which is some consolation, but not a whole helluva lot.
If it's not true? Well, I stand by my earlier feelings about war. Which ring true, and always will. I am not anti-war, I am anti-suffering. But with war, as in life....sometimes the ends DO justify the means. I pray this is one of those times. For the sake of EVERYONE.

Well I had a bunch of stuff to talk about but then my boyfriend decided to go shopping after work and not clue me in so I've sat here waiting for 3 hours to make dinner and now I'm pissed off. Maybe later.

THANKS CHARLIE

Update: After spending 25 hours away from sugar in any and all forms, I went back to see if I still tested allergic. I do not. Of course, while I find this very nice and all, I must test it. And so, like a maniac, I drive immediately to the store and buy a Reese Peanut Butter Cup. I eat this on an empty stomach, which is the WORST thing I can do. I wait.....I eat nothing more till dinner, a full 2 hours away. I wait...for the horrible pain between my eyes, for the bloodshot eyes, for the confusion and irritability, for the wretched pain in my stomach.....NOTHING. I admit I am trying to not jump out of my skin and cry hysterically with joy; it could...maybe...a fluke? It's almost 10 pm and I'm not exhausted, in a sleepy cranky haze. Shit, I barely ate my dinner- usually I'm ravenous. I....want to go back right NOW and get treated for pollen. Could it be I'm NOT hypoglycemic all these years? That I was actually HORRIBLY allergic to sugar? And....that I'm now free? Can it be?


And I asked today if there's any way to treat for pollen before next winter, I really can't bear another year of this hivey hell. She says it's really difficult, but possible. I am trying to stay inside my skin and not scream in the sheer ecstasy of possibility....I feel like someone is trying to prove to me Santa Claus is real. But, they actually have tangible proof.

Flowers are great, but this whole pollen allergy thing really BLOWS.