Well today I went to my hocus pocus doctor. (laughing) It was pretty cool. The kineaseology part was pretty scientific, but the actual treatment seemed kinda kooky. I hold the thing I'm allergic to and she taps up and down my back. Now I have to stay away from the allergen for 25 hours. So it turns out I'm allergic to SUGAR (what a surprise, gee!), all fake sugars, caffeine, mold, pollen and something else...I forget. Anyway, today I got treated for sugar and thought it would be a breeze not to eat it but here's the catch: I can't even be NEAR it for 25 hours. Ok, there goes my kitchen. Oh yah, that toothpaste? Forget it. Going to get gas? Stay away from any candy displays. Which is EVERYWHERE. This little experiment (and hopefully cure) of mine is a pain in the ass! But if it works.....at least I got treated for the most difficult thing first. Turns out I can't really be treated for pollen till next winter...another year of hives! I will not shoot myself in the head, I will not shoot myself in the head, must remember not to shoot myself in the head. On that count, I feel defeated. I could go to Antartica and get treated right? Ugh. More later.

Today, it snowed. I woke up to find 5 inches on the ground, the world a beautiful snowy white. I was both surprised and excited. It's been 70 degrees (or very nearly) for weeks now. This was odd, perculiar, and wonderful. There was no worry of being snowed in (a real concern when you live in the mountains) because it was going up to 47 degrees today and therefore mostly melted. And it will be 75 in a day or two.
So what is all the hubbub, you ask? It was surreal, winters silly sudden return... I went out to the store as evening drew, and the cold wind blew in my face, down my neck, down my shirt. It was COLD, it was fabulous. The sun blinded me momentarily, golden red and glorious in it's evening magnificence, like a showy farewell of a diva leaving stage left....and in that moment, sun in my eyes and wind in my face, I WAS THERE. I was in the moment, totally present, not worried about tomorrow or my bills, or my allergies, or the war, or my job.
I was just a girl in a parking lot, sun on her face, wind whipping her hair, with the world suddenly brighter with the snow reflecting the sunshine....and the silence I have sought sinse this war began crept up and enveloped me, there in one shining moment of perfection. How wonderful is that?

~~~~sigh~~~~~So, I have a friend whose dad is a holistic practicioner. My friend has told me there may be hope for me in NAET treatments (look it up, I'm not explaining it all here). I have finally made an appointment, and have spent the last hour looking up various schools of thought on this method of allergy relief. I have found rather convincing arguments that it is both everything I need and a prepostorous bunch of hoohaa. I tire of contemplating it. The people all sound either pefectly rational or certifiably nuts. It's rather confusing to me. I'll be there at 10 tomorrow morning, and I've decided to just consider it investigative reporting. If it's B.S then I'll know for a fact. But I must confess I PRAY IT WORKS. I've been miserable for so long.....

The reason I write so damn much?

here's a trivial little bit as explanation (again, out of the vault):

I have found
people are more likely to
lend you their pen then
lend you their ear
So I've come to trust paper,
not people
Paper never lets me down
it's always there
it never judges
it doesn't speak but for those who have
Eyes To See
who are....
willing to read into things

As midnight silently passes
waves crash upon solid shores
subliminal sounds
New moons vision...
darkness eroding out to sea
the solitude of eternity is felt now
The tide is out
in the darkness of night
....it is time for the spinning
....spinning in the fury
....spinning rising spinning rising
....between the sand and sea
....spinning between earth and sky
this, the energy of the mystic
light cloaked in darkness
shooting off sparks in the
pulsating spiral
....underwater world
....fluidity of motion
touching the land and pulling it back
touching the land and pulling it back

more? ok:

immenent darkness
light sucked from the sky
as a child from the womb
not giving birth but giving death to all who enter
this cosmic/comic dance
Why such lack of understanding?
Why such postionality?
such programmed, emotional judgement-
such sorrow to feed on
such need
such greed of emotional body to relive, to
reconstruct, to
Feed, Feed Upon The Soul
Where is They light?
Where are We Now?



If you ask me what that was about, I don't know anymore. A deep introspective mood is my guess.

from the high school journals:

egotistical maniacs
posessed by impression
caught up in self-pity
afraid of who is right

Here's some old poetry/stuff:

Returning To Prayer

Running from dragons
the shadows of yesterdays
long sinse forgotten but an image still lingers
hazy and vague yet you're held in its grasp
with its power to intimidate
you stand still in submission
I stand by, helpless, watching
it is beating you down
it is beating you down
THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE
Will you hold that as truth in your heart?
There are no demons lurking
within the silence
Silence is holding your breath
Silence is holding your answers
Silence is holding the life that awaits you
change is always painful
letting go of all that is familiar
It's a part of being human, holding to what's familiar
Just because it's comforting doesn't mean it's healthy
Will you find the courage within
to leap into the darkness?
The terror will end when you realize only God is waiting
There are no demons in the silence, only God.

At the request of my most gorgeous and sexy friend Erica, I will write more, write more, write more. I am on fire. Watch out people, I shall now attempt to dazzle and/or bore you to death.

I decided last nights boredom was the beginning of an anxiety attack. After my b/f didn't come home on time I sat there watching war news and thinking he may be dead....called his work 3 times and finally he answered and was indeed not dead. I decided to turn off thenews and watch Comedy Central instead. And today I have taken a hiatus from talk radio and CNN and news online. As a matter of fact it's 10 pm and I have no idea whats happened today, and I view this as a good thing. My liitle experiment has shown me something: Not knowing whats going on over there is no more frightening than knowing. Less sometimes.

This morning I decided to take the really long way to work (like about 20 miles out of the way) and drive the nice scenic route on River Road, and watch the water and look at the rock outcroppings and crazy little redneck houses and dilapidated old barns and little old country folk. And I saw something ahead of me going across the road and as I got up close I realized it was chickens. And I wondered, who do they belong to? Where do they live? And ~~~~~~~Why are they crossing the road?~~~~~~~~~ And laughed at how funny that was. I did not listen to the news. It was good.

Also today I was thinking about my ex, the one from previous blogs, the father of my child, and how he drives me nuts most of the time....he's been having serious b.s. with his curent g/f and when he told me she left him with her kids and stayed out all night.... I felt bad for him. I know how it feels and it hurts....and I empathized. Of course, one should note that I know how it feels becasue he did that to me. But still I just felt sorry for him and it wasn't till later that it occurred to me: Oh! He's getting his dose of Karma! And although I always thought that moment would be sweet for me, to see him get what he deserved, I was surprised to discover it was not. And I thought I really need to give myself more credit sometimes: apparently I am a nicer person than I realize.

I am so extraordinarily BORED. I do not believe in boredom, lets get that straight. One cannot be bored with a mind to explore. Right now I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.....and waiting....I haven't a clue what it is.....but I'm surfing the web BORED because I keep waiting for SOMETHING to make me go ,"OHHHHHH! That's it!" But it hasn't happened yet and the feeling is rather annoying. I may be loony. This is possible.

Found myself listening to Rush Limbaugh today and being....not appalled....which I found mildly shocking. Except when he said we should quit being so worried about civilians and just bomb the whole place. I was appalled at that. More pondering is due, I'm sure.

I have decided I am not entirely morally opposed to this war (I know, not too decisive). I think Saddam is indeed a mini Hitler, in terms of evil and enjoying evil. I am EMOTIONALLY opposed to this war, as any parent must be having a tough time coming to grips with. Children are dying, and their parents are dying, and being injured or just plain scarred for life (physically and emotionally), and I CAN NOT BE OK WITH THIS. I....haven't enough proof that Saddam is so bad to justify this. I do think he needs to go away, and I think I have bought the sugar coated This War Is To Free The Oppressed Iraqi People pill the media has crammed down my throat. What is true? Are the people there wanting liberation? Or not? Are they buying the All Americans Are The Epitomy Of Evil pill their media is doling out? Who the hell is in charge of the media?

WHAT IS THE TRUTH????

Due to having family in the military, I support them, oh yes I do. My own dad said he doesn't support the war, but he supports the soldiers, "...because they have no say in the matter. They do as they're told." He was in the Army, he should know. I keep checking to see whats going on, and not looking at the gory pictures I know are out there (like the boy with the back of his head blown off) because I... really...don't think it's good for my heart....how can I see that and not shut down? I know there are some out there who would say that is exactly what I need to see so I understand the implications of war. And to that I would respond, "I don't see pictures of the MANY people tortured or put through plastic shredders in circulation either...." I mean, plastic shredders? What's next, lampshades made from human skin? This guy has got to go. But is that even true? Sounds unreal...unbeleivable. People thought that about Hitler, too. I've seen the lampshades. I've talked to the survivors (of the Holocaust). I know it's real, and that stays in the back of my mind while pondering Saddam. I can't quite get my mind stretched around it. There's some piece I'm missing. I don't know what it is, but I'll know it when it comes. Lampshades....dear God.....whats next? Shredding people?

I'm finding it difficult to be in the moment. It is so beautiful here, with spring sprung and all. And sinse this war has started I have noticed each time I notice a wonderful springlike moment I also immediately think of people at war on the other side of the planet. Do I try to block it out? I don't know. Does being in the moment mean being in one spot? Or more than one?

Return Of The Empath~~~~~~
Well, that was certainly weird. Friday I was chugging along at work and enjoying the beautiful day. I decided to put in a mixed CD I burned last week and the song "Beautiful Day" by U2 came on. I looked out the window (that was open, it was 70 degrees) and thought IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY. And as the song rose to the chorus, I suddenly imagined being in a plane, taking off for Baghdad, getting ready to bomb the shit out of something. I burst into tears driving down the road and cried uncontrollably for about 10 minutes. I imagined the exhilaration of taking off, the feeling of being in a group on a mission, the fear of something going wrong, the security of all my training, the fear I wouldn't hit the right spot and the fear of killing innocent people, the rush of patriotism and the horror of doubt. The song ended, my feeling didn't. I turned the radio on (it's currently set to the news channel) and they said it was all relatively quiet. I was baffled. By the time I got to where I was going, about 15 minutes had past sinse this feeling started and what do you know? Shock and awe had begun. I'm taking a wild guess here and imagining it takes about 15 minutes to get from wherever these planes took off from to wherever they were going. I sat in stunned silence and listened to Peter Jennings and Richard Engle (spelling?) for a good long while. And as anyone who listened to this knows- THIS WAS SERIOUS. Richard Engle was basically across the river from the bombings and was at times drowned out completely by the sound of it. He was shaken, and I could FEEL it and God it was terrifying. When Peter Jennings asked him to take a deep breath I lost it and burst into tears again. I really love Peter Jennings. He led us through Sept. 11th and then this....like a ray of calm light, he is, yet so human....

I have more to say on this but Saturday Night Live came on a few minutes ago. I want laughter.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-Anais Nin

I remember the last we (the U.S.) went to war. I was 16, and I had run away from home and was living at Michigan State University. Someone ran in and announced we had gone to war, and everyone kind of slumped. It was suddenly, deadly serious. All conversations forgotten. The weight of implication was overwhelming for a group of young adults who had never seen war. I still have the journal I wrote in that night: "January 16th, 1991. The war has started. I've never been so filled with sorrow. I feel small (that) I can't stop so much anger. I feel helpless and (yet) filled with love for all of mankind.... The world is so cold now, it's so cold. I feel the fear and the terror of people who have friends and loved ones in Saudi Arabia. I feel the adrenaline of the soldiers. I feel the death, it's like a dark rotting blind(ing) cloud.....I'm afraid to watch the news, afraid to see the truth, afraid of the reality. I think maybe I see the implications of the war without the video and audio......I am connected with the world." Some excerpts, I'm too lazy to type the whole thing out. Anyway, tonight I look back and realize even as a kid I felt the same way (mostly) I do now. The difference then was I had no understanding of WHY we were at war. Or what could possibly be a good reason to go to war. I just thought all war was bad. But looking back, that certainly makes sense coming from a 16 year old empath. All I knew was what I FELT, and I had never felt anything like it before. And it was so horribly sad, and anxious...I just wanted it to stop.

Now I'm older and bettter able to filter my empathic abilities. I also have a broader understanding of world politics. Do I support this war? I don't know. I honestly don't. If it were up to me, we wouldn't be at war, because I could not make that final call. Not in this situation. Hitler, hell yes. But this one? No. I'm not entirely against it, either. Saddam seems pretty evil. How much of that is spin doctored? I don't know. I will likely never know. And this time, as last, I feel small and insignificant in the face of war. The image I have of myself is me doing a duck and cover from the empathic onslaught, and the little balloon over my head says, "Please God let it be quick. Spare the innocents, wherever they are. Spare the innocents."

(Due to work) I was inside the Country Club today. There in the bathroom I noticed Sly and The Family Stone was being piped in through the sound system and I thought how very funny that is. I'm sure when that song came out it was poo-pooed by the snotty elitists who came there. Now it's blaring in the bathroom. Time is funny.

Violent people deserve to have their heads kicked in. Yes, I understand the irony of this statement. Apparently my ex's current girlfriend decided to go off the deep end and spaz out, throw a (full) beer can in his face, punch him, whatever. No matter how I feel about him, I find this unacceptable and it seriously pisses me off. She says it's because "He said some horrible things to me." And I thought, "Bitch, cry me a river! You have no idea the shit he put me through!" And although I pondered killing him, I didn't lay a hand on him. I did smack him in the face with a pillow once, when I confronted him cheating on me and he FELL ASLEEP in the middle of me ripping him a new asshole. I smacked him hard enough to wake him up promptly. I kicked holes in the wall of our house. But to have some whiny girl try to beat him up because she "didn't like the way he talked to me..." just makes me want to go kick her ass. And although I am fully aware I am likely not getting the whole story, or even the accurate story from him, she actually called me to talk to me about it and said she did it because he said horrible things to her. And that she hoped this wouldn't affect if my son comes over to visit his dad at the house anymore....I said I didn't think it would be a problem. Meaning: "He's not coming back over you crazy bitch! You throw beer cans at peoples heads! Are you insane? You think I would leave my 5 year old son with you?!?! Are you out of your fucking mind????" And also implied in her question (in case you didn't notice) is that my ex would continue to live with her. She really hasn't a clue. Poor fucked up hippie chick. She's got kids of her own, she only gets to see on the weekends. I wondered what was up with that. Now I know. She shouldn't get them at all. I find the whole thing distressing. I hope he cuts the cord quick.

Why is rain so underrated? Whenever it rains, people call it crummy weather, lousy, aw....a weekend ruined. I love rain. I also love plants, and plants love rain. Last year we had such a drought and I found it horribly depressing. SO much so that spring is coming and I found myself thinking, aw crap, here comes the drought. Instead of noticing the months inbetween winter and late summer, I somehow wiped the memory of all the beauty and lush greenness and went straight to the brown dead grass of late last summer. And so I drove down the road today dreading the dry and I swear I heard the plants say,"You forget all that is green and good. That comes first." And I realized I am a silly foolish girl who cynicism rules her far too much. How could I forget spring? Isn't that crazy?

return policies: unnecessary

So I went into a sex toy store last week, with a friend of mine. At the counter, the girl says, "If that doesn't work for you, just bring it back." And I was actually speechless, all I could come up with was, "OooooooooooooooKaaaaaaaay...." and left with more questions than I went in with.

First, who would bring something BACK??? "Hey, I stuck this thing up my #@!%* but it just didn't have the kick I was looking for....here, take it back." What are they going to do with it then? What kind of policy is that I wonder?

Would you have to explain?
"Gee, the latex dong was mighty keen but that vibrating thingy just didn't do it for me."
Considering the items they sell in there, there could be some interesting explanations...
"This Giant Butt Plug was too small."
"The Gladiator Blow Up Doll wasn't realistic enough."
"This used porno tape was all sticky....no, it was that way when I took it out of the box, I swear."
"Yah, I got this harness home but it wouldn't fit on my sheep."

~laughing~
That is not a job for me. But man, I bet the people working there have some GREAT stories to tell at parties!

It's amazing how being horribly sick will give you a whole new appreciation for life. I'm up, I'm working ...and I am seriously enthusiastic about it.

A funeral passed by me the other day. At first I didn't pay much attention, but then realized that is a LOT of cars....and I felt like I should salute or something, because obviously this was a great person and well loved. I was also sad, because I thought there certainly wouldn't be that many people at my funeral But then I have a lot of years left to impress people with. We'll see what happens. I picture myself as a very wise old lady at my death, full of spunk and cracking jokes. I bet I'm right.
Two nights ago two of my best friends from Colorado rolled into town and they stayed the night. We stayed up till 2:30 am talking and although I only got a mere 4 hours of sleep it was so totally worth it. Also of note: now that I'm not a caffeine addict, the day after wasn't as rough. Usually the day after sleep deprivation is like a living hell for me, I ususally feel like someone ran me over in a truck. This time I was a little loopy but not tired. Caffeine is so weird...
It seems the less drugs I do the more amazed I am that I ever managed to live a life doing them. I did all kinds of drugs in high school. Now, one could argue that that isn't really a life at all, what with the muddy disfunctional haze I muddled around in. I certainly wasn't happy. But how did I manage? I mean, am I getting old here? The less substances (coffee included) I put in my body, the better I feel, hence the better I feel able to deal with what life offers/throws at me. Sinse I quit drinking coffee my body feels cleaner somehow and it's a really cool feeling. If I can just figure out how to get my body to quit freaking out over allergens and sugar I'll be....well, I was going to write ecsatic, but then I really stopped to think about it and that isn't even strong enough. The thought of being able to live like normal human beings....is liberating. As it is I can't eat cake at birthday parties(blood sugar), I have to spend 70% of the year in a hive infested hell (allergies), running from truck to building, trying not to breath. I remember being a kid and being outside ALL THE TIME and that was beautiful. I feel so old when my son wants to go out and play and I can't because my allergies will kick my ass. It makes me so terribly sad and pity the person I've become. Thats gotta change. I will change it. You will see. I am Leo, hear me ROAR. My will be done.

It's interesting how I cut back on my caffeine and blogs simutaneously. Might have something to do with the fact I'm not up all night anymore....perhaps. At any rate, the splintering migraines have ceased and I have far more energy. Like all things good for me, I wonder: Why didn't I do this sooner?