Bumper sticker update: Yesterday a guy cuts me off in traffic. And sinse I am suddenly and immediately on his bumper I see his bumper sticker that reads "BACK OFF". I flipped him off. What a dumbass.

Well the not drinking coffee plan is suckin'. Good thing I blogged my reason why, because my head hurts so damn bad I really can't remember why I decided to quit in the first place. Ah yes, now I remember. I've been a hardcore caffeine addict for (thinking makes brain hurt) 15 years at least. The detox is kicking my ass. I actually was thinking earlier maybe I should go to the hospital for CAT scans, maybe I have spinal meningitis. (Laughing) Thats just bad. Nobody warns you about caffeine addiction. Bastards.

You know, I quit drinking coffee. Back on that morning the news told me to buy duct tape...I decided all the stress can go can go straight to hell, all the stressful things in my life can just f#ck off, I've had it. There are too many stressful things I cannot control, and the ones I can control and alter you bet your sweet patooty I shall. I quit smoking last September, which is another Blog altogether. So now I'm hellbent on reducing the stressful crap I feed myself, and organizing and simplifying my life. So terrorists want me to live in fear? The thing I fear most is living in fear. Screw them. I'm not buying duct tape. I'm buying shelving units. And a vacuum cleaner that works. A gorgeous floor rug, on which I will not warp Islam and curse the infidels. What a bunch of bullshit. I did quit watching the news, by the way. They loop that shit anyway, and repeat the same scary thing over and over until my brain accepts it as reality and my heart shrinks in horror. Good morning green tea, good morning stretching, good morning Animal Planet Channel. Screw you bullshit. You're outta here.

Hormones are a crazy invention. I see their place, sure. But man, do they tweak me out. Next thing I know, I'm crying over the radio, the future, the past, the possibilities, a movie, the laundry. Tears are cool. I don't begrudge them. I don't care for emotional outbreaks in public though, nosirree. I am currently emotionally distant...working hard on not feeling too much. I haven't decided if thats good or bad. Just kinda...the middle...vanilla...Rollercoasters are cool, but eventually I just wanna walk. There is a lot of life to be seen without the veil of tears. Of course, I must also admit it's all very interesting underwater, too. But it's tiring to swim. I just want to walk for now.

Bumper sticker update: Be patient. Be kind. Ok, methinks, how happy scrappy passive hippy dippster is that? Then I catch myself thinking: How nice. And I realize my inner critic is loud and should sometimes just shut up so I can enjoy things more.

Thoughts on porn:

Thoughts on porn: (and yes, I realize the earlier blog was about muses...funny ha ha) Porn has it's place. Just not in my VCR.

I've seen a few. I was not impressed. They do get ya horny. Granted. But being a girl, I must say the porn I've seen (which isn't much, and I'm sure the plethora of porn I haven't seen could prove this point wrong) is all for guys. Really.

Let's see, hot girl has sex with nasty scrappy guy. One I saw the guy even left his CAT tractor hat on DURING the act. Which is just as well, to cover up that ratty ass mullet he had kickin beneath the hat. The girls are always svelte, the guys are pasty with beer guts...this does not turn women on, as far as I know.

A guy friend explained it to me thusly: "The guys HAVE to be ugly! We want to see porn where totally hot chicks are doing it with guys uglier than we are! Then we believe if THAT guy can bang a chick that hot, dude! I totally have a chance! And not only are we getting off, but our EGOS our getting off, too." And so like women at a barstool checking out the competition, they compare themselves to said ugly porn dudes, and always come out looking buff by comparison. Ok. I get it.

That said, I'm not too sure this would work in reverse. What if porn was made with totally hot guys doing ugly chicks? Would girls like it? Or would we sit around and whine, "It's not fair!!!!" while we stuff our faces with more chocolate? Or just be disgusted and think there's obviously something wrong with this guy...he could do so much better...he's obviously defective somehow. And he's then written off and porn forgotten, back to whatever we were doing before that waste of time and sensibilities.

Most of us don't like it when our man watches porn (I know there are exceptions). Me? I'm mostly afraid the next time we do it he's actually fantisizing about her. When my boyfriend went to a friends bachelor party (there was a stripper, full nudity) he came home all riled up and couldn't believe I was INSULTED and DISGUSTED he wanted to have sex. As if that image wouldn't be stuck in his mind! No, he swore....but obviously it was, or he wouldn't be so riled up already now would he?

I'm sure as he drove home he was thinking, "Thank God my girlfriend doesn't dance around so provocatively! I can't wait to get home and do her flabby ass A cup needs to lose 10 pounds self! I hope she's not wearing high heels! Oh! I hope she's wearing those old lady slippers her Grandma got her for Christmas! Maybe she just cleaned out the fish tank and hasn't washed all that slimy fish crap infested water off her hands yet! Maybe she's scrubbing the toilets with bleach right now! Oh GOD I can't wait to get home!" .............................Yah. I'm sure thats how it went.

I am wondering to myself, Do I posess a muse? Are muses overrated? I have known a few in my life....and it made life so shiny and fascinating....did it get me anywhere? Did I accomplish ANYTHING at all in the presence of my muse? Or did it all seem so glittering starry lovelight fabulous that my previously crappy life merely SEEMED better? Hmmm.....

Apparently my blog yesterday vanished into the netherworld.....interesting....Anyway, once again my anger has inspired me to take action. Things are driving me nuts. I am getting testy and whiny and frankly, I don't like that me very much. This morning I was stomping around and muttering to myself (of which I have been doing more and more lately) that no one listens to me (except when I'm muttering obscenities and what I'd do to them if given the chance) and I feel impotent. I remember coming in WAY after curfew one time and my mom met me at the back door and screamed in my face, "NO ONE EVEN CARES WHAT I SAY!!!!" and it was a horribly enlightening moment, because I realized she was right. Now I feel I'm her, and I understand her frustration. I also am more driven than her and have no desire to lay down and accept any form of a crappy reality and therefore am using my anger to fuel me to action. Otherwise it just nibbles at me....all right, it gnaws. And it sucks, it sucks major hairy crap covered donkey ass. I seek joy, not whatever this is. And joy I will have. So be it.

Happy Blither Blather!!!! For those of you (about to rock, we salute you) who really REALLY enjoy Valentines Day, Happy Valentines Day. For the rest of ya (including myself) Happy Strange Flashbacks to feeling like you're back in puberty again! Whooohooo!

I'm thinking perhaps watching the news is a bad plan. Each morning I wake up before anyone else and drink my coffee while watching the news. Then this morning I see I need to go out and buy duct tape and plastic sheeting in case of a terrorist attack and I think to myself....."Hmmm...I need to change the channel....immediately" So I do and the next channel tells me I should also have a gas mask, they make them in childrens sizes also....and I realize my hands are clenched into fists and it's 6 :30 am and that can't possibly be a good way to start my day, by golly. There's not much else on at 6:00 am but infomercials which (I never thought I would say this, but...) are actually better for my mental health. What's on cartoon network at 6am? I'll find out in 6 hours.

Bumpersticker today: Jesus died for our sins. And I wonder, why? I mean, in Gods Big Plan, what was that? Could He not come up with another way? Something better? A little less melodramatic, say? Why not just have Jesus not die at all, and they finally bring Him down and say, "Dang man I guess you were right. We concede: You are The King Of Kings. Sorry about that. It just, you know, sounds kinda crazy...but you were right dude." The whole "drink of this wine, it is my blood" thing is REALLY weird. Why have Him killed? He already walked on water and calmed storms with a single word and made a bazillion fish out of one...why die on a cross? Why not just smite the unbelievers then? Why wait till some future date to return and leave everybody hanging until then? Why the Virgin birth (which frankly I doubt- another thing I think was confused in translation)? I mean, that couldn't have gone well...so Mary gets hitched and somehow never does IT with her hubby but announces she's pregnant...and he beleives her, even when she tells him it's a Holy Child, and angels appear...he doesn't think maybe he's lost his mind? Maybe? Or maybe she ISN'T a virgin after all? And Jesus hung with everyone, and was open and accepting of them. And sometimes they became followers and believers, and sometimes not. But I never hear of Jesus fronting the judgemental attitude of Christians today. I mean, He WAS Christ! If anyone wanted to cop attitude, he most certainly had the right. I am still pissed off at b/f's family preaching how he's going to hell at his own grandpa's funeral. I am royally pissed off. Mostly because I think they got it wrong (religion) but they're so damn sure their right- they don't care if they hurt their own flesh and blood. I mean, they're trying to SAVE him, right? It never occurs to them they might not be right. In which case, that would make them all self absorbed inconsiderate asses. And I put it as nicely as I could. Religion has stayed at the forefront of my mind sinse the funeral. That and my own pity party which is another matter entirely. Of which you get no details.

I tire of religion lately. I tire of recieving e-mails telling me if I love Jesus I'll forward this to everyone I know. And if I don't? Do I then hate Jesus? Does Jesus smile upon mass e-mailing? Will I invoke the wrath of God if I erase it? And do these friends of mine think perhaps I am not aware of their religious beleifs? Are they unaware of mine? Is it irrelevant? I ponder making a fabulous Buddhist e-mail, telling them if they love serenity they'll shut up already and just meditate on it. Yelling it from the mountaintop (or a computer screen) is not Gods Love...it's just noise. Live by example. Then maybe I'll beleive you. Few Christians follow the Ten Commandments, even vaguely. If you were to live by the Ten Commandments, you'd be just about a Buddhist anyway! Ponder that!

Man, what a day. First: the funeral. I have never witnessed a Southern Baptist anything, so this came as quite a shock. Having grown up Methodist, I was totally unprepared for anyone hollering damnation at a funeral. I learned that although Papaw had gone to heaven, we are certainly going to hell and I wasn't prepared for such an assertion while greiving. I have sinse been informed this was not unusual. And I can not say there is anything about a religion like that that makes me want to join. If I was a fan of hellfire and damnation preaching, I may have loved this funeral. I liked it as it was...but felt that using someones death to convert other people is inappropriate. Especially when the entire congregation is already saved except for myself and my boyfriend (whose family is preaching). I liked all the "amen"s and "preach it brother"s. But this was beyond me. How my boyfriend managed to come out a rational being from that mess is beyond me. (the next day) I have given it some serious thought today, because I am an openminded kinda gal. And I have decided Southern Baptist: not for me. Too many Swiss cheese theories have been built upon Swiss cheese theories (those with holes in them). And it's just really not for me. I wonder: is there a lot of "I told you so"'s in the hereafter?

Well my goodness I nearly forgot. I saw another great bumper sticker today: Honk If You Don't Exist. And I thought it very similar to the sound of one hand clapping.

Death seems to be the order of this week. My boyfriends Grandpa died on Monday. We went to the wake tonight, and it was odd and sad. B/f and I have both agreed we want to be cremated. Me, I want to donate anything and everything possible to other people who may need spare parts. After that, I want to be cremated and have someone (or lots of people) find a nice cliff with a good breeze and scatter my ashes to the winds. That way, when people want to reminesce, they can think of me as being everywhere. As spirit. But I most certainly do NOT want to go somewhere where somebody takes out all my organs and blood and stuffs me full of chemicals and cleans me all up and people come and look at my old shell and say, "Oh gee, isn't she lifelike?" I do not want to be lifelike, I want to be alive or be spirit, no middle ground there, thanks. And I don't need a fluffy box to rot in, and I don't want people thinking they need to go spruce up my grave or go visit because I won't be there. Thats just silly. I decided I'm going to write whatever it is I want people to know, and make a tape of music. Then they can scatter my ashes, hand out the whatever I write and have a dance party. Sinse I won't be around, I want everyone to do the one thing I have loved doing in this body more than anything: DANCE. If they wanna cry, go ahead. But their asses had better be shaking while they do it. And when they hand out the written thing, I want them to play the theme song from The Greatest American Hero. That song always choked me up as a kid. I think it's great funeral music. For me. And then they can all laugh and say, "You know, even dead she's still crazy." And I will laugh too. And then dance a mighty dance.

I was watching CNN this morning, and saw that the country song "19 Something" is now number one. For those of you who aren't fans of country, I have to say this is a good song. Talking about all the funny 1970's stuff, and 1980's stuff and how goofy and great it all was. And then the space shuttle Columbia exploded and I keep having that line from the song running through my head, "space shuttle fell out of the sky, and the whole world cried..." referring to when Challenger exploded in 1986. I remember that, I remember my 6th grade teacher with the huge torpedo boobs telling us about it, and all the teachers were crying. None of us kids could figure out what it was all about, but we knew to be quiet and respectful. It wasn't till recently that I was actually reading up on it and saw one of the people on the crew was a teacher. Now I get it. It's very sad.