So anyway, last night I was perusing the yahoo member directory, and searching for people in my town. Hoping to maybe meet other moms and find play pals for my kid, seeing as how I am a recluse mostly. Instead of finding any normal human beings, I find a plethora of sexual deviants, and I can't even believe I just called them that. I am so old all of a sudden. But seriously, I was horrified at the weirdo crap I found- like the 400 pound woman who like to fist with her sister and nieces? I mean, I'm thinking this is made up. Because if not, the world I live in has suddenly become filled with people who are seriously fucked up and have lost such total contact with light that they find joy in sticking their hand up their fat aunts ass. I cannot accept this. Sorry. I mean, I like to celebrate the way people are different from each other, but sticking your hand up a relatives ass is way too gross. Especially if you and your mom do it together. Damn damn damn.

I think Jesus is a cool guy, or was a cool guy, depending on your view of all that. I think he was an enlightened being, with incredible wisdom. I think all the people who wrote the Bible are not enlightened beings and that is my problem with Christianity. How can so many people add to a book and not affect it's outcome? When I heard the difference of the King James version of the Bible, I was crushed as a kid, and started to doubt everything that I had been taught. But I still think Jesus is cool, it's just all those other people and their opinions and versions and whatnot that I doubt. Too bad the Bible isn't just a book of qoutes of Jesus. Not that I don't like all the stories, I do. But I really despise having modern day buttheads qoute various passages to fit their dogma. I find that terribly annoying. Because it is almost never qoutes of Jesus, just a bunch of other people. Whatever.

Well I was about to write about the ridiculous pop up ad I just got, and then my son announces he pooped his pants. The world is a very funny place.

Yes, I know. I know all things happen for a reason. I know I manifested him to teach me a lesson, in this case how to stand up for myself, how to be assertive and how to be a psychotic bitch when occasion warrants. These things I have learned and am grateful. Should I hate him for being who he is and unrealistically expecting more form him? No. Should I bear resentment because he promised me things he knew he could never deliver (like love) ? Yes. Shall I hate him still for not fufilling his potential and wasting all those organs he may as well donate? Hell, people are wating on donor lists....people who could make the world a better place. Thats all I'm saying. You figure it out. Me? I won't go back there again. (the website) You can. You ponder it. You turn it over in your mind...or I'll save you the time- he's in serious need of medication. Why are guys so stubborn about it? Mr. Toughguy can't admit he's got a problem, and would rather spend his life wrestling with various addictions, making a mess of everything he accomplishes, destroying what he creates. Manly, ooh yah. People are waiting....I know it's mean. I can help it. I choose not to. I know my thoughts create my experience and I should stop now. I know what I suffered in that relationship is considered emotional abuse, and mental anguish. I resent it. I resent what? Making choices? You know what I really resent more than anything? That I can see his potenital...that I can see Him, locked away beneath this swirling abyss of darkened lies and deceit, a constant shroud for His Inner Light. But it's there and I can see it and other people can see it and the very thing he wants more than anything is the very thing he denies himself out of fear. How fucking manly is that, Mr. Toughguy? What a little p*ssy. That is what truly pisses me off.

Well, aren't I the glutton for punishment. In a moment of sheer stupidity I decide to check out my ex's website. This would be the father of my child, who happens to be a musician, who happens to have a website. And there's his song about cheating on me, and there's the video they shot while I was pregnant that no one wanted me in, and there's a commentary stating that he's having a baby soon! (The commentary being 6 years old) Oh congratulations! How hard it will be to hear that baby cry at 1am! But what would he know? He was at the bar till 4am, fucking any slut that came along and blowing all our money on coke (neither of which I or this commentator was aware of). Yes, congratulations indeed you massive fuck up. Pulling angels from the well, indeed.

Last 2 weeks played Spider Solitaire I did. Won in 95 moves tonight, I did. Proud, am I. Dorky, I know. Care, I don't.

warning signs

Ok, I realize the things are mass produced, but it seems to me the companies who make those little signs on the elevators ("in case of fire, use stairs") could make one for the ground floor that says- "Run out the door. Do not go up stairs." Just in case anyone should be dumb enough to try it. I figure it's only a matter of time. People sue McDonalds for getting fat. Might as well run upstairs in a fire and sue the elevator company for putting on sign on the ground floor that says "In case of fire, use stairs". I mean, your dumb ass wouldn't have gotten burned had you run outside. So it's their fault, right? Riiiiight.

Also saw a bumper sticker today "Fear God" written like the "No fear" bumper stickers. Of all the comments I could make here, I surely hope this one is self evident. Sometimes I am frightened at who gets a drivers license. Like the old dude I saw today with a BIG ASS confederate flag on a little plastic pole hanging out the window of his car. I mean, I'm starting to think it's just a fabulous warning system: DUMB ASS APPROACHING. Or the flag on their house: HOUSE OF DUMB ASSES. At least they have warning signs.

Make your very own Bushisms! Fun for the whole Family!

http://www.lemonbovril.co.uk/bushspeech/game.html

DAMN DAMN DAMN is it cold. For those of you ...somewhere warm...it is damn cold here. It is currently 7 degrees with a wind chill of -17. Ok, those of you up north aren't impressed. But damn. I keep trying to accomplish things but I am totally distracted by the weather channel...I just want it to validate the cold over and over and somehow make that more real. Which is retarded. I am rendered useless by amazement. It really isn't all that amazing. I think my brain froze outside today and I've just gone stupid.

The thought provoking bumper sticker I saw today and the thought it provoked:
Mean people are suffering.
Hmmm....kind of like mean people suck but a whole new twist. Pity for mean people? Yah, mean people ARE suffering, thats why they're so mean. Mean people are also causing everyone else to suffer. I can be a bitch. Usually when I am stressed out, or "suffering". But what am I truly suffering, really? The inevitable results of my earlier actions. So is it to be considered suffering when I face the consequence of my own actions, simply because I don't like it? There is always random circumstance. Is there? Is karma suffering? What is suffering, really? It does propel us towards our own enlightenment. Except for those too stubborn to learn from mistakes, in which case suffering is eternal. Those people are annoying. Sometimes I am those people. Sometimes I am annoying. It isn't fair of me to be pissed off with everyone else because I don't like my life, or how it is at that moment. Look, that bitch just cut me off. I'll flip her off, there I did and now I feel better, very self righteous. Was that mean? Or worthy- I mean, she needed a wake up call. Driving dangerously is well, dangerous. Could kill somebody. Could kill me. Which would leave my son motherless, in which case that woman DEFINETELY deserved to be flipped off. Hell, I should go flip her off again for good measure. Maybe she is suffering...maybe I should feel bad. Who am I to judge? We are all suffering the consequence of others meanness...likewise we are all enjoying the happiness of someone else's generousity. Ah, the circle of life. Mean people are suffering...what the hell does that mean? Why didn't I follow them and ask them at the next light? "Hey! What the hell does that MEAN?!?!" I mean, to them anyway. Perhaps they just put it on there to make people think about it. Perhaps they are defending themselves because they are mean. Well, that would certainly be whiny. Certainly no one is that whiny! Wait- someone printed that sticker, maybe hundreds of them. What did THEY mean? Perhaps I'm missing something. Or perhaps it's the name of a band.

And on and on goes the rambling of my brain. That I think, may be a wonderful exanple of why I quit smoking pot years ago. Sometimes I'm amazed I can concentrate at all. Or maybe thats just it, perhaps I concentrate too intently on one thing and forsake all other thought. Or at least most of it. Well, at any rate, mean people are suffering. And thats a fact.

Huh...I just got an e-mail from ShockingNews informing me I can grow my penis safely and naturally. Well whaddya know.

I mean, PAGAN??? I just don't know about all that. I can't see me dancing around the May pole ala Mysts Of Avalon. I am dumbfounded.

Well pardon my language but I'll be damned. I took this test to see what religion my beliefs most closely related to and it came out Neo-Pagan. Not that I have anything against the pagans..it's just..well...I always assumed they were..whats the word? Um, a little crazy? My second runner up was Unitarian Universalist. I never suspected. They could be nuts too. The test inventors, I mean. Well, here: try for yourself...

According to the SelectSmart.com Belief System Selector, my #1 belief match is Neo-Pagan. What do you believe? Visit SelectSmart.com/RELIGION

child pornography and dumb commercials

So Pete Townshend is arrested for trying to download child pornography off the internet.
He says it was research, in relation to his possibly being molested as a child. I am wondering if this is a case of curiosity killing the cat (or getting it arrested anyhow).
Here I am reading the numbers on this: Amount of people arrested, search warrants, number of site available online...and I'm thinking to myself, "How easy is it?" I could just type in "child porn" and see what comes up. Of course, I could be arrested, which is not the reason stopping me. What stops me is I don't WANT to see. How horrible, how truly distressing that would be to actually see. I think I would find the images haunt me. And so, there is the major difference between me and Pete. But I can also say, people do strange things when exploring their own dark sides. If it is true that he was molested as a child, I can easily see how he would look at such things...as research. To see what it triggers in him emotionally. Maybe to see if there are pictures of himself? What could be going through his head? I tend to believe him, and that being said, I am very interested to see what they find in his computers. I am also sad for him if his belief in being molested is true.
And I find it interesting that 4,000 warrants were issued "to doctors, dentists, lawyers and even a school headmaster" of which we have heard ZERO about. So here Mr. Townshend is absolutely villianized while these other 3,999 people stay in comfy anonymity? What kind of BS is that? Something reeks in that scenario and it's not just child porn. Although his high profile arrest has one major benefit- hopefully to scare some sick bastards away from this shit. We can only hope.


On another note entirely: I am curious how many people are offended by stupid commercials. Have you noticed many commercials treat the watcher as a complete idiot? (laughing) In particular, the "handy gadgets".
For example: the new pasta cooking pot, with the holes in the lid...have you seen this? You can lock the lid and turn it over, so the water drains out without the use of any straining device. Ok- cool idea. I'm not sure I'll get one however, because their commercial is such an offense to my intelligence! The ad starts out with a show of how frustrating it is to dump the majority of your pasta down the drain, when you really intend to dump it in the colander and drain it.
Ok, I realize some people are clumsy, and some people are not strong enough to hold a large pot of water and pasta and gently pour it in. Ok- but this display is ridiculous- the person dumps the pasta all over the place, like they're in the midst of a seizure. THEN they show the family waiting at the table all grouchy, the dad actually makes this wretchedly grumpy face and points at his watch like, "Hello! I'm hungry here! Step on it!" And it is at that point I would like to take the creator of this commercial and back hand them. Are we to believe if we buy this pot we will no longer have seizures while draining pasta AND our horribly ill mannered family of clods (who could HELP if they're so damn hungry) will suddenly become happily well fed polite people? Of course!

Then there's the omelet cooker commercial...I think that's what it was- it's been a while since I've seen it. Anyway, it demonstrates how easy it is to cook eggs in their handy dandy pan. And again, it shows some spastic lunatic destroying the eggs in the pan while trying to flip them, and then flings half cooked eggs all over the stove. I mean, geez- how many people actually DO this? Is the majority of the population so out of touch with the basic laws of physics? If you jam a spatula down in the middle of your eggs, they break? Really? If I exert major force on a little egg in a greased pan, the egg will fly out of the pan and splatter elsewhere? Are you serious? Wow, I had no idea. I better buy this egg pan, which will turn egg cooking into a brainless event. Man, I would not want to have to think about it.
Yes, yes, I know these are fabulous inventions, they really are. Can they just not make the commercials so amazingly moronic? Really.

This fabulous storm sweeping across the middle of the country is now blowing snow all over our mountains. I look out the window, snug in my warm house, typing away at my computer, eating chocolate covered almonds (read: warning! Ramble imminent!) and the snow is really coming down, wind blowing it like mad....and I think to myself that I should be content. Moments like this I should relish, fat and happy in a state of content. But I am not. Instead I think about the people who are homeless, the people with no heat, the families snowed in up in the mountains with little food, the people who have likely wrecked somewhere in this snow. Why? Am I neurotic? Empathetic? It is said that ignorance is bliss, and I agree...to an extent. Sometimes I wonder if I am meant for a life of servitude. I would rather be out saving people snowed in, serving food down at the soup kitchen, sheltering those who are cold. I also wish I could sit here and not think about them at all, and just be warm and happy and stare at the snow with a dopey smile on my face. Why must I always be aware of the troubles of the world? I assume I am aware so that I may be part of the solution. I don't feel too terribly helpful sitting here. Perhaps I need to be more in the present moment, and more in my present surroundings. I wonder if this is common with empaths. I am guessing Yes. Just as John Edwards can't listen to dead people all day, I can't listen to the ongoing jabble of everyone else and their plethora of emotions. Then I shut them off and feel selfish. Why should I feel selfish to take care of myself? I am no martyr, nor do I long to be. I think of my dream last week (see previous blogs), and how I felt I wasn't doing a very good job taking care of me. One thing I've learned in my co-dependent experiences, you simply cannot take care of other people at the expense of yourself. It is not possible. (long pause looking out window) It's dusk. And I am, for the first time, really glad there's a street light outside, so I can watch the snow even after it's dark. It's not quite a blizzard, but close. It's a snow that is actually interesting to watch, as the wind changes directions, speed up and slows down, the snow changes from tiny flakes to massive fluffy flakes...(pause)...I think I will get better in touch with my self. I think I will take a long hot bath and not be worry about being selfish. I think I'll do it cause it makes me happy. Ok. So be it.

I was watching the river the other day and was in particular noticing the reflections on the water. Water will reflect whatever is nearby. I think of my own astrological chart (with major water, even (ok, loosely) a grand water trine. Water Rising, water Moon, Water Venus, water Saturn, water Mercury, water Jupiter, thats a big old water trillium first house, 10-4 good buddy. I digress. I realize I am much like the river, the water that reflects whatever is nearby. My surroundings are quite important. But more than the river, I reflect whatever I notice, whatever I focus on, and likewise whatever I dwell on. And I think it would behoove me to be more mindful of my own thoughts and where they lead me. For example: my chart. Fire, air and lots of water. Ok....I'm steam. I am liquid heated and turned into vapor, blown by the wind and yes, you noticed! No earth signs whatesoever. Funny I work with plants, my hands in dirt all day long. Fitting, no? I think so, too. But again I digress. The point of my sugar/insulin induced rambling is this: My reality has the possibility of being whatever I focus on. I am more aware of this lately. I have been getting bored with anger, which is not to say I do not feel it, nor is it to say I don't revel in its extreme emotion...just that I don't like to focus on it for any length of time. I think the purpose of anger is to point out the injustice that has occured. Angry? Do something about it. Then let it go, for it has served it's purpose. It's kind of like how I quit smoking last summer- it just...no longer served me. I was bored with it. I couldn't find a reason for continuing to poison myself so...I quit. I still have moments where I think about it...but then I think of how much detoxing nicotine SUCKED MAJOR ASS and don't feel like walking up that road again, thank you very much! I mean, I know I'm crazy but I'm not nuts! Geez! I do seem to ramble tonight, don't I? Have some more cookies, you say? Don't mind if I do...don't mind if I do. Actually, I am forcing myself to get some sleep tonight. I am hypoglycemic, and produce way too much insulin in response to sugar. It will, within an hour or two, knock me out. And I must sleep. I must not stay awake watching terribly interesting things on the Discovery channel, or stay up to watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (how I love that show- and Lewis Black! His dry wit! His sarcasm! Touche!)...digress...cookies...sleep....

I have a broken tooth. It doesn't hurt at all. It should, considering how very broken it is and that it's been that way for... a year now? Two years? It's near the back of my mouth, so no one can see it. It bothers no one but me. Like I said, it doesn't hurt...but I know I have to get it fixed. Oh, I tried. I finally got up the courage to have a root canal done and I went in for my appointment and they had no idea who I was. Not a freaking clue. I was both relieved and irate. I mean, the girl asked me all kinds of questions on the phone...did she write them on her hand and forget and go wash them? I do not know. But I still haven't mustered up the nuts to go back (somewhere else, thank you very much). Ok, how bad could it hurt? What if they have to pull it? Either way, when I think about someone yanking a tooth out of my head or emptying my jaw socket of toothy pulp and filling it with some other crap..well..it's just WRONG. SO very, very wrong. It simply isn't right, and I think what I'm trying to say it's wrong. Every time my body catches wind of what my brain is telling it is in store for it, it rebels. I can hear, "WHAT? Are you out of your freaking mind? Someone may yank a tooth right out of your jaw! You grew that tooth! Hell, that tooth has been here sinse the beginning! We are all one with that tooth! You have GOT to be kidding! Girl, thats just crazy. Quit your crazy talk and forget about it." But I don't forget about it and the possibility of pain is beginning to finally loom larger than the very real pain I could actually experience. I know I would be relieved. But God almighty, that voice is loud in the head, and convincing, too. "Girl, thats just crazy..." I mean, she does have a very valid point...but the stress of worrying about it is crazy too. When will logic win? We'll see.

So I've been trying to find some friends of mine from high school. I actually found a picture of one of them on a web site for the other friends family. I'm so freaking frustrated because there is no way to write to the website (that I've discovered) and I can't find anything about either friend otherwise. I've seen the picture! I have proof they're still around! It's driving me batty! So on the one in a bazillion chance this could end up in the hands of either one: MIKE PARKOSHON! MIKE GILBERT! I AM LOOKING FOR YOU!!!
Who am I? The one who loves Chachi, of course.
Still in Asheville.
Think of you, miss you, love you.
Please find me. I am unable to find either of you so far...
(p.s the good old white pages)

ps) 12-12-04 editing~~~ I moved. Write to introspectresblog@yahoo.com

Which is your inner The Ninth Wave song?

this quiz was made by here_im_allowed


I haven't the faintest clue who The Ninth Wave is, but I like the little test and found it rang true with the people I know. Give it a whirl. Yes, I agee with my answer, yea verily.

It seems to me the more bad relationships I see around me the more I realize I have got it really good. Not that I didn't know this already...but it helps to have the good in your life reinforced. You don't want to take that for granted. I see the crap other couples go through and MAN OH MAN do I have it good. I would do nothing to compromise the structual integrity of this, which is not something the majority of people I know can say about their couplings...(end this in silent gratitude)...

Holy Freakacholey, did I have some wacked out dreams last night. In one, my sons dad shows up all coked up and tries to strangle me. He's all p.o'd in the dream because my house isn't the way he wants it and when I explain to him it's because he doesn't LIVE HERE, he flips out and attacks me. I fend him off, which is a good sign in a dream, I'm guessing. Second dream was something about living in a pavilion with these tent-like walls, big sheets you can pull down and secure. It had a huge heater thing in the middle. There were all these picnic tables and people there for a while but then the people left and it got cold and I thought I'd better pull the flaps down and turn the heater on. I hoped it would not run out of heat-stuff. I wondered what it used- propane maybe? Then I was concerned because I was about to make dinner and couldn't figure out how I was going to make stuffing out there. (Oooook) Third dream was a list of catastophes. First I went into a comic book store, found some red dress I used to have and decided to put it on. Then I realize I should have been back home already but can't remember why I left. Was I going to the store? How long have I been gone? I think I had better come back with whatever it is I left for or my boyfriend will wonder if I've lost my mind. Then I think, no he'll likely wonder if there's another man, because I'm coming back in different clothes. Hmm..this isn't looking good. So I decide the only thing I can do is tell him the truth, as nuts as it sounds, and I decide to hightail it home before anything else crazy happens. I'm driving down the street and see a yard sale, maybe? And as I'm looking over at that I very nearly die because the road I'm driving on suddenly ends at a huge crevice, with only a chain link fence there at the edge. Like THATS going to stop a car, I think. I mean, the yellow line down the middle of the road goes right up to the fence! Tra la la la oops Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Death. So I turn around, totally shaken and freaked out and thinking I do not seem to be very safe for me to be around. I am not doing a very good job taking care of me. So I take off the other way and end up driving through some strange crowd of people..it reminds me of Detroit, the way the streets are laid out. There are police in the road, warning peole to turn around and not go through there, but the cop is white and all the people are black and I think he's racist or something...and sinse I'm not I continue. The cop says something cryptic to me, like, "May God have mercy on your soul..." and I start to freak out. Then I see people up on a building and I am (somehow) in the building, watching what they're doing. They are preparing these truly gigantic red darts, and plan on dropping them into the crowd below, and shoot people with them, and they're filled with some kind of poison, some kind of nerve agent or something, I don't know. And I can see their thoughts (the dart people) and it's like a horror movie, it's awful(the desription of which I will not go into for I see no need to relay gore, shudder). The whole thing makes me think of some kind of mobster Mafia style slaughter and I snap awake, not wanting to see any more. And I think, "I'm so glad I'm awake...what the hell was that about!?!?"

When will I learn? Why must I procrastinate each week? Am I stupid? Here is my week, in a nutshell: I work Monday thru Friday, and have a tendency to put off more and more until the magical day of Friday, which somehow I have convinced myself has 68 hours in it. And then I can't get everything done that I intended to do and rush around like a miserable lunatic. Then I get home and instead of being relieved, I am so stressed out from my day I spend most of the weekend trying to relax. Monday rolls around and I still haven't managed to feel like I had a break yet from the week before and I blow off work a little here, a little there and next thing ya know it's Friday and I'm trying to get it all done. And I swear I won't do it next week....but this week I was sick and I was tired and I had a migraine most of the day on Thursday and wah wah wah you can see I did it again. Thats the only difficult part of having a job with no boss hanging over you. Time management: cause nobodys going to notice if you slack off here and there. But with my job I still have to get it all done, so then Friday becomes this crazy mad rush that is most unenjoyable. More later! Spongebob is on.

Well, well. Huh. It would seem I have some spectral...uh...housemates? I seem to have someone in my house who is quite the practical jokester. I keep losing things, only to have them reappear in obvious places days later. It's bizarre, and a little annoying. No, it's not anyone living here (emphasize living). This morning no one was here but me. I've been looking for my hairbrush for days, and when I got out of the shower I had to use the other one...the one I've been using for 3 days at least, but I don't like that one as much. Anyhow, I am ready to put on some makeup and open up the box I keep it in and ~bing!~ there's my hairbrush. I have had this box on the counter for days. I use it daily.It's a small box. I am starting to wonder if I'm losing my mind. Maybe I put it there and I have alzheimers or something? Same thing happened last week with my lipgloss and it turns up smack in the middle of the kitchen counter, so obvious that when I found it there I said, "No! That was NOT there! What the hell?!?" Because I had been LOOKING for it~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I used to see this kind of thing a lot, back when I was about 14, 15 maybe. Back when my brother was a hardcore Satanist. You may choose to believe or not, but I was there and I saw some weird shit happen back then. Thats what led me to the spiritual beliefs I have today (which could take a Blogging year to explain) and so strangley, I am grateful. Let us say it made me spiritually stronger. At any rate, I have this stuff happening at my house many years later, many states away, with no Satanists in sight. I don't get the feeling this one is malicious. More like....experimenting. Think whatshisface in the movie Ghost. When he figures out he can move stuff. Just so excited, whoohoo! And I wonder what the deal is with this one. What does it want? I told it if it wants something it had best speak up, because moving my crap around is pretty annoying. We'll see. Until then, I'm keeping a close eye on my keys.

We've been feeding the squirrels. I like the things. Little fluffy rats that run through trees...they're pretty smart, as anyone who has tried to foil their attempts to empty their birdfeeder can attest to. So, we have this second story apartment up in the trees and it's like living in a tree house...and we live smack in the middle of squirrel central. So I figure, let's go with that. We can have pet squirrels. So we feed them. And I discover something about squirrels I didn't know before. Either they mark their territory by pissing and crapping all over everything in the vicinity or I've made friends with some squirrels with serious bowel troubles. At any rate, I've stopped feeding them on the deck. I now throw the food to the ground, where they are at risk of the neighborhood cats...but man....I mean they really pooped on everything. I'm going to have to rethink this whole squirrel befriending plan.

When I first met my boyfriend/love of my life I was in a very cynical place. Very hurt, very jaded. And I had frankly lost all hope in any form of true love. I had pretty much decided that was a load of crap, like all the fairy tales I was spoon fed as a kid. But one day I was in the restaurant where he worked (I spent a lot of time there, scoping him out) and writing in my journal as always. And that day it occured to me that there are people who are happy together. There ARE happy step families and it does work sometimes. It's.....possible that could be me...right? I have a son from a previous relationship and thought finding a man that was ok with that may prove impossible. I mean, his own dad wants little to nothing to do with him so why would some other guy want to be involved? I was actually at the point where I seriously doubted men really even loved women at all....I wondered if maybe it was all a big joke, a secret among men. It's weird to me now, but I remember it was a very real thing for me. I doubted the intentions of all men. (I was accused of being a man hater by a friend of mine, which I denied. I said I simply didn't trust them, it had nothing to do with hate.) So I sat at the counter one day and wondered if I could manifest such a thing. Could I create this beautiful loving relationship I so wanted to believe in? Even if I doubted it's possibility? So I decided to believe and knew it was a big leap of faith. I mean, I was in no shape to fall flat on my face in dissapointment. Depression was a pretty constant factor of life at that point. No need to add fuel to the fire, right? But I also knew that not trying would get me nowhere, so I did. Three and a half years later I'm still crazy about this guy, and have the very thing I had almost given up believing in. And sometimes I look at him and think back on all this (as I am tonight) and have to wonder...what other miracles are within my grasp? What else am I overlooking, feeling it may well be unattainable, but should I just believe (starting to sound like Peter Pan here) I can achieve? Thinking about the possibilities makes my mind feel all tingly, like more electrons are firing than I'm used to. Thats a good thing.

Some things are just hilarious. I was looking at a web site on apologizing, how you should go about it, blah blah blah, when I realize smack in the middle of the page is an ad for matchmaker.com. And I started laughing and just couldn't stop. I mean, I guess someone might be reading through the apology stuff and think, "Yah, you know, that sounds too hard. Screw it. I'll just find someone else. Oh, look, here's a link to the personals...how convenient..."

How do control freaks learn to stop being control freaks? Does someone control them? What about compulsive liars? Do they think it's not so bad? Maybe a lie here, a lie there. I mean, it's compulsive, right? It seems they eventually get caught in lies, and it's embarrassing. It cause problems. I wonder how that works for the control freaks of the world. Maybe their freakyness causes problems. But it seems they would just continue to mangle their surroundings (and the people in them) to fit into what they want, never really suffering the consequences of their actions. (thinking) Do they suddenly realize they have no real friends? That all their relationships suck? Is that how they figure it out?

Sometimes it's painful to watch people learn things. Just as some lessons in life are painful to learn, it's also horribly painful to watch other people learn them. You'd like to help them, save them from the misery forthcoming. You'd like to sit them down and force them to listen to you, make them see- before it's too late. Why does it hurt? Memory? Empathy? It seems we all have to learn things the hard way. Is this just a part of being human? I think back to some particularly poignant lessons I've learned, and watch friends of mine currently experiencing them...I feel impotent as an observer, unable to affect the outcome or ease the suffering. It seems to me the lessons in life are learned not for the sake of sharing, but simply for our own development. Perhaps I should be glad for them, happy they are coming one step closer to enlightenment. Uh...yah. I'll uh..work on that. Happy.

I saw a little old lady almost run over a guy today. Luckily, he was paying attention (she obviously wasn't, sinse the poor guy was in front of her car already when she started to go). He dashed off and she made the appropriately guilty face...and as she drove away I read her bumper sticker. It said, "Jesus is coming. Are you ready?" and I laughed at the ridiculousness of it.

I am having a discombobulated day. My mind seems splintered in a million directions and way too wild for me to control. Fridays always seem to be that way for me; the end of the workweek, a million things to do and remember to do before 5, is it possible? Maybe...and then there's conversations with friends running through there and random occurences of the day, people I see and things I want to do in life. But first I must concentrate on the tasks at hand. Ah procrastination, old NOT friend. How I torment me.

New Years Day------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~sigh~ Well, perhaps I am wrong. It's quite possible. As I sit here and go through MSNBC's site of "New Years Pictures Worldwide" I can't be sullen. It's joyous, it's beautiful, it's millions (billions?) of people together, happy and celebrating. In a world too drawn apart, who am I to deride the love? I am still sad that so many seem to require alcohol as the magical elixir to bring them closer together. But maybe the being together is more important than the how. Am I to judge something so much bigger than myself by the actions of a few ill thought plans? Granted, they can end in death- usually someone elses. If only the hoopla could exist without people dying. But it's not likely. Am I to question fate? Be angered by it? Well, yes, in this case. Death is death but a pointless death by a drunk driver never settles with me. As I doubt it does with the people who loved the person. I mean, it's preventable . But my question this morning is...shall I discredit millions (billions?) their joy over the actions of a few? I am wrestling with this one. Trying to stuff the joy and sorrow into a box together but I can't make it fit. There is a way... I just haven't found it. I am a creature ruled by emotion, not logic. But for me, I find the logic within the emotion...that is how I find my answers. It's also a safegaurd against acting against my own heart. It can be done, I've done it. Shut off my heart and tried living by logic. I found it failed me, utterly. Led me down a miserable path where I could excuse anything and live with easily decernable lies, swallowing one jagged pill of b.s. after another. After spending almost two years like that, I was splintered and shattered and wretchedly miserable. A freind described me as "a shell of the person (you) were" and I recognized this for the blinding truth that it was. Years later, I find perhaps the warning bells still ring a bit too loud...and it may take me years to feel I can turn the volume back down and still be safe. But a mistake of that magnitude I can't make again, for the sake of myself and my son. It's a fabulous lesson to have learned, and I don't regret it, even in my most bitter moments. I am always the pheonix, rising from my own ashes. Sometimes I would like to be a pigeon or something, you know? Something a bit more bland, a tad less exciting. And sometimes it seems this way, and it's boring. Maybe my quest to walk The Middle Path is not as ho-hum as I think. Perhaps the middle ground of balance is not the way I think it is. Perhaps there is great joy and great sorrow on this path, and I have overlooked it. Perhaps New Years fits into this middle path and I am not to judge, only accept. Perhaps I'm not that Buddhist yet!